Reply to Any good ways to talk about sexual frequency?

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Reply to "Any good ways to talk about sexual frequency?"

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I was you about a 2 years ago.  It's a very tricky issue, but you seem to get the dynamics of it.

She needs to acknowledge that your concern is legitimate, and that she's not living up to her obligations as a spouse.  And before everyone yells at me for saying that wifes/husbands are obligated to have sex when they don't want to, that's not at all what I'm saying.

Where she's falling short is in ignoring your feelings of longing for intimacy.  If she's not up for sex on any given day, that's fine, but she should recognize that the frequency is an issue for you, and not just because you're a selfish immature man who doesn't understand women.  And as long as she acknowledges the problem and takes steps to mitigate it, that should be enough to get by for awhile.

In my case, my wife and I had periodic fights over sexual frequency that went exactly like yours--we'd fall into a sexless rut, I would point out the lack of frequency, she would blame me for not doing enough around the house, I would do everything around the house, she would complain about something else, and I would fix it, and then I would be accused for fixing the problem "just so I could have sex."  And don't get me started on the counting--if I didn't come up with a number, she'd say that I was exaggerating the problem, if I did come up with a number, she'd say I was unfairly pressuring her.  Our marriage was generally good, but this topic would come up a few times a year and just ruin everything for awhile.

Eventually she started keeping track of sexual frequency herself, along with other behaviors she was trying to monitor, and she would recognize when it had been awhile and make time for us.  Once I felt that I could trust that she cared about my feelings on this topic, I backed off trying to initiate so often, and now we've been much happier for several months.  Our frequency hasn't changed all that much, but we both have a much healthier attitude--I appreciate her making time for us to have sex, and I make it worth her while when we do.  It's all about getting into a positive feedback loop instead of a negative one, and you are making the right moves.[/quote]

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