Reply to 82-year-old mom refuses to plan, share info, discuss

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I have been there. This WILL affect you whether you like it or not. We have been through this nightmare and no matter how unpleasant it is to confront your mom, it is better than letting things get to the point where you have to step in and rescue her. People posting here do not understand how medicare works. it will not cover long term care facility should she need nursing home care. Do you have the time and resources to care for her in your own home? If not then be aware that nursing homes cost around 10K per month. Long term care medicaid (different from regular medicaid) is notoriously hard to get on, and there are endless waiting lists that can only be bypassed in an emergency situation, such as a hospitalization. Moreover, unless you have access to her accounts and power of attorney, you it will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to even fill out an application.

At the very least, you must force the issue of a power of attorney. If she refuses to deal with the specifics now, at least you would be able to step in and take over for her should the need arise. It is 100% worth the money to hire an elder care attorney to draft an appropriate power of attorney document and have her sign it. You do all the arranging yourself in order to save yourself the bigger headache later. She is probably too overwhelmed to do anything like this for herself. Be as naggy and proactive as you need to in order to get this done. Do not urge her to do it because she is probably not psychologically capable of it. This is such a common problem with the elderly, so don't expect so much initiative from her. [/quote]

Again, overreacting people like this are giving poor advice that will cost you. You do not need a lawyer to get power of attorney. And by the way, she clearly doesn't need it now, so you won't gain it if she doesn't want you to. So many people here who either haven't been through this or were able to force their parents to do what the children wanted. [/quote]

You are dead wrong. I have actually been through this with not just one, but TWO ailing parents in much the same situation as OP's mother. One parent died in a lot of suffering. Not everyone is lucky enough to die quickly and peacefully at home in a fatal fall or a heart attack. Her suffering could have been prevented had she gotten the proper care she needed at the end of her life. She would have been able to receive such care had someone advised her instead of her living in denial until she was completely immobile and in excruciating pain.

Also, you do need a lawyer, and they are not that expensive. For my FIL, by the time we got to him to a hospital, he was not mentally competent. We had power of attorney form that we drafted off of the internet on one of those sites. Turned out we did not have the right wording in order to have the financial control we needed to get FIL on medicaid. The process turned out to be much more expensive and time consuming than if we had just consulted a knowledgable lawyer to begin with. It could have taken an hour and cost $500 rather than many thousands of dollars. There is also advice that an elder care lawyer can advise OP on that may help protect some of her mother's assets in case she does need to go on medicaid for nursing home care.

OP do yourself a favor and handle it with an eldercare expert or attorney. There is no point in being upset with your mom or expecting her to take care of these overwhelming details herself. There are so many elderly people in denial. I've started to think it's just a normal phase of life. Tell her you know it's difficult and overwhelming to plan these things, so you want to help her out and hire a lawyer for her.[/quote]

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