Reply to Send Mom to nursing home?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thank you everyone for your responses and giving a lot of food for thought.

A few more points that may matter:

-Mom set up a life estate in 2010 - to protect the home (which is her only asset) against the “reach” of any nursing homes etc - precisely the situation we now face.  She lives in the house but technically it is owned by my sister and I.  Look back period has passed.

-It whenever Mom passes, DH and I will find a way to buy my sister’s share out (approx. $350k) and take full ownership. Sister and I have already agreed on this.  Home has been in the family since 1921, good school district etc. so unless there is a disaster, we have no intention to sell.

-There is still a $100k mortgage on the house that DH/ I have been paying with Mom.  (She made a dumb decision after dad died to remortgage the house to pay off some debts and “improve” her cash flow).  Payments are roughly split 50-50.  She has covered taxes while we covered food and utilities.  I handle all of her finances to ensure all goes smoothly.  Between this, the home refurbishments (more on that below), and being her servant for 3+ years, believe me we have not benefited financially as much as you might think
from all of this.

-The house was a total wreck when  we arrived - it’s an old house that needed some TLC anyway.  Mom has slight hoarding tendencies and there were several dumpsters of junk that we cleaned out and had taken away.  The total spend on refurbishments was at least $100k and many of them were to help Mom - Eg converting bathtub to a walk in shower, redesign her bedroom etc.  If she stays here, we may have to do more.

-I returned to work 6 weeks ago.  For this month we had actually made plans for her to have meals on wheels get delivered, to be picked up and brought to the community senior center a few days each week etc.  So while her situation progressed, I was basically still at home to help during the day.  Not an ideal time to start a job, but for my sanity I want to get back into the job market (and we may need to cash anyway…)  Yes, perhaps we overestimated her capacities - she seemed to be “getting better” though the scary fall in the driveway has been a reality check.

-Mom remains in rehab (arrived one week ago), and we have until Xmas/New Year to decide on the next step(s).  [/quote]

This is exactly the sort of situation that causes problems between siblings at the end of a parent's life. Your sister wants mom to stay in her home because while you have done a lot of work you have had the advantage of not shelling out downpayment, buy for a reasonable if not advantageous amount in a good neighborhood, while you don't want her to stay in her home because it will cause you more work and responsibility and people in the house you're not comfortable with.

When we were making decisions I made sure we all understood that this wasn't just about the parent, but also how it would affect the longterm relationships between the siblings. Maybe you don't care, OP. But you sound very much as if you are trying to do what is best for you and your family, not what is best for your mom.[/quote]

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