Reply to Psychologist recommends bathroom time out as punishment. Thoughts?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I spoke to a psychologist with expertise in parenting and she gave this advice:

Give child 3 rules: 1) obedience, 2) respect, 3) no arguing. Parents have three rules when responding to child's breaking of these rules (child not told this but parents know): 1) be consistent, 2) no second chances, and 3) no warning before consequences.

If child breaks one of the rules, they are put in bathroom for timeout, for  six minutes, and they must think and be quiet. Presumably if they are not quiet they stay longer or something.

Psychologist also said she doesn't recommend discussing/reasoning with child as it just promotes arguing and doesn't yield much compliance/harmony in the household. She also said kids don't feel guilty enough and her method is designed to foster healthy guilt (not shame).

My gut reaction is no to the bathroom punishment. I had reactions to the rules she gave as well but am curious about what others think. [/quote]

This may work with a very complaint child but will backfire spectacularly with a different child.

Some kids are not "disobeying" when they break a rule, they just don't have the skillset yet to follow them. It's your job as a parent to teach them, not to "punish" them for not having those skills yet!

For some kids, these skills come more naturally and easily, but for other kids it takes longer (years sometimes) and they have to be taught.

The best way to teach -- emotional regulation, clam disposition, respect of people and property -- is by modeling.

Locking your kid in a bathroom is a slippery slope. What happens when they continue to "break" rules after their timeouts? Or they are not quiet inside but scream? Lock them in longer? And when they get physical, i.e. try to get out of the bathroom, are you going to physically restrain them? Where does this end?

Again, with a super compliant kid this might work (although I still think it is cruel) but with lots of kids you are setting up power struggles that will destroy your family's peace.

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Thanks. Just to clarify what do you mean by 'clam disposition'? I agree modeling what you want to see is really important. But what would you say are reasonable consequences for misbehavior (i.e., where the child knows what to do but fails to do it because they've decided not to). I could use some ideas here beyond sending to room. I also don't want to do things in a reactionary way and I don't think giving threats is useful.[/quote]

PP here. what I mean is if you scream, yell, belittle, storm off etc, that is what you are teaching your child to do when they are upset. If a kid is shouting or erupting, let them finish. Remove people pr objects so no one gets hurt but don't engage and add fuel. When they are calm you can talk about what happened. But just because you are bigger and louder doesn't mean it's a good idea to use your full strength. You will not be modeling emotional regulation.You kind of have to learn to be neutral and unflappable.

The reality is that some kids are not developmentally able to not do some things -- like draw on the sofa. They are not "misbehaving" they literally don't have the skillset to control that impulse to draw and they don't have the skillset to take a moment and realize this could get them into big trouble. Punishing them for drawing on the sofa will not teach them this skillset. They may "know" that drawing on furniture is wrong -- but their impulse control is so weak that is of virally no use. They are not purposely misbehaving.

Of course you can and should take away the marker, and when everyone is calm, talk to them about why they did what they did. Be prepared for a lot of "I don't know" b/c they probably don't!

Instead of punishing them for being "bad" and breaking a rule, you might brainstorm with them about what to do now -- like maybe the two of you scrub the sofa and try to clean it? And he works with you side by side.

In the future you know he cannot have markers unsupervised etc. but not as a punishment, as a precautionary measure.

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