Reply to Why does my mom lie about small things?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

Insecurity is the #1 reason. [/quote]

Cognitive decline or long-standing mental disorder is the #1 reason.

They have good intentions, but are lying to themselves as well- that they did this or that, or that they didn’t turn in the Nat gas fireplace and leave it running.

They didn’t INTEND to leave the door unlocked or the kid at practice all night, therefore they will not take responsibility for having done so.

Weirdest disconnect in brain wiring ever. 
But it destroys trust and reliability. [/quote]

In older people, it's this. I do think insecurity and poor communication skills can play a role, but I think in people over age 60 and especially over age 70, it's driven by cognitive decline and the lying is their effort to cover up for their inability to remember things or for mistakes they make.

With my mom, she also started lying about stuff that happened in the past a lot. I honestly can't tell how much of it is straight up laying about stuff she remembers but doesn't want to admit (stuff like hitting us, yelling at us, major family dysfunction, etc.) and how much of it is that her brain is declining and has conveniently forgotten her worst memories, so she's just replaced them with nice things. But in my mom's mind, we had an idyllic family life. It's interesting.

I think what I've learned is most important is learning to detach from all of it. My sister does not do this and she is constantly enraged with my mom for the lying. Right now my sister won't even speak to her. And on the one hand, my mom does lie and is unreliable all the time and I get why that's upsetting for my sister. On the other hand, I wish my sister would have some self-awareness about WHY the lying makes her so mad. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that when we were kids, my mom accused us of lying all the time even when we told the truth, she punished us for things we didn't do, she would assume that if we made a mistake or did something dumb, it was malicious and intended to anger or embarrass her, etc. And I think my sister internalized all that and is now doing the same to my mom, and I wish she'd realize what I also wish my mom had realized when we were kids -- you have to accept other people's limitations and love them where they are at. My mom is not suddenly going to get sharper, start remembering things, and stop lying. This is just where she is at. I try to remember that the same way I try to remember that my 6 year old has her limitations too, and when she messes up, it's usually a failure of ability, not effort or intention. [/quote]

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