Reply to I’m on the autism spectrum. How I wish people could have helped me socially

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, if I went around explaining to people everything they do that annoys me, I would have zero friends.

It is low EQ to share that kind of thing with the person because it is hurtful to the person, especially if it is something they cannot change like a tic.  My own son has tics and I do not point them out to him, because they stem from anxiety and he can’t stop them.  It would just make him more anxious and make the tic worse.  I work behind the scenes to address the root cause of the anxiety instead.

I would gently suggest that a therapist is the BEST place to get this kind of social skills training.  Not your friends.  I know it is expensive, but it is worth it.  [b]A friend will not do this for you, because they don’t want to hurt you.[/b]

I have on occasion told friends about things they can fix.  The absolutely worst was having to tell a good friend of mine at college he had BO.  To this day I still die inside a little thinking about that conversation, but he did fix it.  He was absolutely mortified, though.  We never mentioned it again and pretended like it didn’t happen.

[/quote]

This is the heart of it, OP.  Many of us go through life second guessing everything we say and do to try to avoid hurting the people around us and trying to guess what will be stressful/hurtful to others so we can avoid doing this.  The only way I’d tell a friend ways their social behavior could be improved was if they specifically asked me for that feedback.  (I have some close friends with whom I will share social dilemmas and they will to do the same with me, for example.)  But to just tell a college assigned roommate they were annoying?  That feels extremely mean.  Yes, it would have been kind to you but it would be mean to an anxious person for example.  So people can’t just go around telling people this or that habit they have is annoying because it might help some people — there’s no easy way of knowing if the person you’re thinking of criticizing will find it helpful or hurtful (or indeed fly off the handle and scream at you another thing many of us try to avoid).[/quote]

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