Reply to husband as "junior partner" in childrearing

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]One complaint you sometimes hear from dads is that they feel like the wife's employee or junior partner in childcare. I've always wondered exactly what is meant by this or what is involves in practice. Is it about not knowing what to do? Not feeling sufficiently involved in decisions? Not being around enough? If you're a man who feels this way (or a wife whose DH complains about it) can you explain what it means?[/quote]

Sadly, too many women criticize everything their husband does if it isn't exactly their way.  They criticize so much that the husband stops doing anything.  Your way is not the only way.[/quote]

Entirely situation-dependent. If a wife is criticizing her husband for doing things a little differently, then yes, that's obnoxious and I could see him just not trying and deferring to her in everything because it's not worth the hassle.

But what I see often is that men do things poorly, with no preparation and minimal effort, their wife justifiably criticizes them because of a bad outcome (kids who didn't get fed, missed class, late to school, not properly dressed for weather or event, kids who are melting down because hungry/tired/cold, etc.) and he throws up his hands and says "why even try if you are just going to criticize what I do!" I can't tell if it's just an instinctual defensiveness to being correctly criticized for doing something poorly, or if the whole thing is feigned incompetence specifically to get out of doing things in the future. Maybe a little of both.

I don't criticize my DH's parenting unless there's a bad outcome. Like if he does something totally the opposite of how I'd do it but (1) it gets done, (2) the kids get what they need, and (3) I am not forced to jump in at the last minute to help make it happen, then I don't really care. But when I do criticize, it's because something didn't happen, the kids are a mess, or I've had to drop something at work or get out of bed or interrupt a social commitment in order to help him get it done. And I'm justified. If "his way" means the kids are screaming and crying or I have to leave work an hour early to fix something, then his way sucks. And this goes the other way, too, by the way. If I screw something up enough that it impacts the kids or him, then he is welcome to weigh in on how to do it better. [/quote]

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