Reply to husband as "junior partner" in childrearing

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]In my home, it's because my job is to think of all the stuff that has to be done. My DH will help out, but he looks to me to know what he's supposed to help with. I get pretty excited when he takes initiative and figures something out on his own, but it's so, so rare.

It honestly started when I was pregnant. I was actually pregnant, so already I was more "involved" in that I actually had stuff I had to do at that point and DH didn't. But it also meant I was ready baby books, doing research, figuring out what we needed, thinking about how we'd approach certain initial parenting choices like feeding and sleep. I tried really hard to get DH involved in this, but he just... wouldn't. He'd read a page of a baby book and lose interest. He kept saying stuff like "I'd rather figure it out as we go." Which yeah, there is an element of that, but I didn't want to be figuring it ALL out as we went. I wanted to know, for instance, where the baby would be sleeping at first, and at least know enough bout stuff like breastfeeding, sleep, etc. to be able to make informed choices when the time came.

So I became the person who knew things and planned ahead, and DH because the parent who liked to "wing it". This inevitably leads to him asking me for stuff, needing me to tell him about stuff, etc. So much of parenting is not conducive to winging it. Schools HATE parents who wing it -- you have to be on top of things and on time. Summer camps start booking up in January, so if you wing it, congratulations -- you don't have childcare this summer now. Going on vacation with kids requires planning. Going out to dinner with kids requires planning.

We also have a kid with ADHD and other special needs, and let me tell you: DH's "wing it" approach is a disaster there. This kid has high rigidity and low distress tolerance, so you can't just assume she will roll with it when her preferred foods aren't available, nap doesn't happen when she expects it to, or a promised treat or event simply doesn't happen.

So, yes, DH is my "junior partner" in parenting because I did all the homework and he just showed up. I just know all the stuff. I also actually retain information from mistakes we make in the past, where he just lives in the present a lot. It does annoy him sometimes, and it annoys me too. But we both know the only way to change it is for him to step up and start doing more planning, paying more attention, and not relying on me to be the person who knows everything and prepares for everything, and I think his interest in that is low. So it continues. I don't love it but at least when I ask him to do stuff, he usually does it.[/quote]

+1 this is so my experience, down to the reading pregnancy books.

It drives me nuts because I know he doesn’t wing it at work. He kills it at work. He just doesn’t bring that same energy to home/kid admin or logistics.[/quote]

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