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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Frustrated. We are close to completing an infidelity course/which included therapy sessions with an expert in this area. (3 month thing)

Affair is over, but it was an “I love you”, 8 month type thing.  I literally think about it and things he said to her about me, our marriage, etc constantly (I have texts).

While my marriage is in a positive trending place, and I’m hopeful about the future, I still bring things up, ask questions and it seems to really annoy my husband.  He knows he “should” answer but I worry that it’s causing problems for us even though my thoughts, questions, constant imagery is definitely causing problems for me.

Feeling very damned if I do, damned if I don’t dilemma [/quote].

If my husband cheated I would be very much like you and unable to let it go.  You have two choices, get over it, for the sake of repairing your marriage.  This is hard because it requires trust and you have none because he broke it.  It’s not healthy for YOU (I don’t care about him) to not let it go.  You also have the option to start fresh and forget the loser who cheated on you.  [/quote]

This is absolutely not true. You don't just get over it, ever. A betrayal of that magnitude fundamentally changes who you are as a person and your perception of people and the world around you. Someone who hasn't been through can't even begin to understand. The choices are either you and DH put in the work to understand why it happened, rebuild a new marriage foundation while the cheater simultaneously works on their personal shortcomings, and decide if you can live forever knowing this happened and is part of your story. Even if you leave, it stays with you. You will never have the carefree full trust in a partner again, ever. Not saying this to be a Debbie downer, but it's true. [/quote]

+1, people who have never experienced a fundamental betrayal like this are way over-optimistic about what it means to "move on" or "let it go." I mean, pay attention to what OP is still thinking about. Part of it is wanting to know what her DH shared with the AP. So she's not just struggling with the violation of marriage vows here. It's also this worry that he may have shared things about her her or their relationship with the OP. It's this feeling of exposure. The trust of a marriage is about WAY more than sex.

I wouldn't even think about it as "letting go" because that makes it sound like you can forget it. You'll probably never forget it. I think the goal should be acceptance that it happened and some kind of perspective shift that allows you to move forward. Like I think you need to have a way of thinking about the affair that makes it make sense and become a forgivable thing. I think some couples identify underlying issues in their marriage that may have led to the affair in the first place, and then in addressing them there is a comfort level that it won't happen again. Also sometimes the person who cheated had some fundamental maturing they needed to do, and if you can see evidence that maturity has occurred (usually involving them taking FULL responsibility for the affair and the harm it caused, and not blaming their spouse or AP or circumstances beyond their control), that trust can come back.

But the idea that you will one day wake up and be like "what affair?" is childish. It happened, it will never have not happened. [/quote]

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