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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]To explain a bit more - DHs job is inflexible (or at least he treats it that way and that’s not something I can change short term bc his standard is that all of this could be done by a nanny. His view is our most important thing is securing their financial future which is frustrating but he grew up in an unstable war zone where his family lost everything so there’s a lot going on there ).

So that means I need to cover all the things I put these rules on and I start doing the math and think ok at a minimum 10 doctor / dentist appts a year, and 6 school performances for my one kid in school, and being home by x time every night and never traveling so that the kids always wakes up to a parent (dh travels a lot) etc etc etc and basically box myself out of any interesting job because I’m telling myself I must do alllllll the things on the family front.

So for those that don’t feel that rigid rule, im curious what they prioritize.  And for those that say all of this must be a parent, cool I’m that person currently too[/quote]How on earth do you get to 10 doctor and dentist appointments per year?  Our two kids get their annual checkups at a single appointment with their flu shot. Plus two teeth cleanings, also at the same time.  That's three appointments, and we try to book for 8 AM so we're at work shortly after.  Our au pair will handle kid transport to and from so we can go back to work immediately.  We haven't had a sick appointment in a couple of years, but that's mostly luck.[/quote]

3 kids - so 6 dental appointments total (could hopefully stack them into one visit seeing all 3 later…don’t currently bc don’t want to entertain 1 and 3yo for 2 other kid appts), annual doctor visit for the older two and 2x doctor visit for the baby. Only oldest is in school and school has 6 performances a year (whyyyyy) so that number will grow.  I also have IBD which is 4x doc visits a year for me and 2x dental. And all that’s assuming no one ever needs a sick visit[/quote]

14:56 again.

With three kids and essentially an unhelpful spouse who takes on no (non-financial) responsibility, you have three choices:

1) Keep your career back burnered.
2) Fix your spouse problem
3) Outsource at a level that I (and many others, I think) would be uncomfortable with.

I'm sorry.

Your therapist is right that rigid thinking isn't helping you, no matter which path you choose. But this is not a problem on the fringes that can be solved by missing some of your kid's appointments and performances. It sounds like what she's really advocating for is #1 - be realistic about how much attention and energy you can spend at a job (and with your kids). Because even a flexible, non-travel job with three kids and an unhelpful spouse is going to require a lot more flexibility with your definitions of a good parent.[/quote]

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