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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]To explain a bit more - DHs job is inflexible (or at least he treats it that way and that’s not something I can change short term bc his standard is that all of this could be done by a nanny. His view is our most important thing is securing their financial future which is frustrating but he grew up in an unstable war zone where his family lost everything so there’s a lot going on there ).

So that means I need to cover all the things I put these rules on and I start doing the math and think ok at a minimum 10 doctor / dentist appts a year, and 6 school performances for my one kid in school, and being home by x time every night and never traveling so that the kids always wakes up to a parent (dh travels a lot) etc etc etc and basically box myself out of any interesting job because I’m telling myself I must do alllllll the things on the family front.

So for those that don’t feel that rigid rule, im curious what they prioritize.  And for those that say all of this must be a parent, cool I’m that person currently too[/quote]

I'm the 14:56 poster, and I responded before I saw this. Okay, this is KEY info. What you have is a husband problem. A BIG one. I'm guessing there is some really patriarchal bulls*t in here, and if I were you, I'd be calling it out immediately.

It's time to sit him down for some Real Talk. Because I'm guessing he doesn't want to actually live in a world where the nanny takes the kids to every doctor and dentist appointment, the nanny is the only one there for all school performances, the nanny does the morning routine, the nanny does the dinner and you two see your kids... occasionally but pay for it all? No. What he believes is that stuff is optional for him, and that you and a nanny should split it. Because you're the mom. No.

There will be compromise, for sure. For example, feeding the kids dinner. What if you opened with "you're right. A parent does not need to feed the kids dinner every night. If we are both taking one work trip a month, and every once in a while they overlap and the nanny does dinner with the kids for two nights, that's fine. I'm also fine with grandma giving them dinner once a week so we can both work late. But children need their parents. I need you to be in charge of dinner some times, I need to be able to count on you to do that."

See what he says. If you're getting no where, take it to a marriage councilor. You're on the path to resentment here, you've got to get on the same page. [/quote]

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