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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]To explain a bit more - DHs job is inflexible (or at least he treats it that way and that’s not something I can change short term bc his standard is that all of this could be done by a nanny. His view is our most important thing is securing their financial future which is frustrating but he grew up in an unstable war zone where his family lost everything so there’s a lot going on there ).

So that means I need to cover all the things I put these rules on and I start doing the math and think ok at a minimum 10 doctor / dentist appts a year, and 6 school performances for my one kid in school, and being home by x time every night and never traveling so that the kids always wakes up to a parent (dh travels a lot) etc etc etc and basically box myself out of any interesting job because I’m telling myself I must do alllllll the things on the family front.

So for those that don’t feel that rigid rule, im curious what they prioritize.  And for those that say all of this must be a parent, cool I’m that person currently too[/quote]

You overestimate like I do- its normal for someone who wants to manage/control  to make sure no plates fall. Less doctors appointments and more random school stuff is how I anticipate the year. I also only schedule doctors appointments outside of school or on holidays so I avoid the work-school-appt conflict. For example, Veterans Day is OB/GYN, Endo, and Dentist for me and then Dentist for my son.

I would not be able to do 1/3 of the things I do for my kid if I did not WAH with a low stakes job. And my spouse will be taking a FT in office position right as our kid is starting Kindergarten so I will be working 6-230 to make pickup and he will be gone all day because he will be doing drop off and not getting to work until 9. Add an hour commute and ETA home is 630.

He gets an interesting job because going to performances, being able to volunteer in school, walking home together from school, etc. are not priorities to him to provide to his child. He wants to provide opportunities and money. So I keep my really chill, somewhat low paying job so I can do those things and make sure he can participate in sports and activities- because who else is going to drive him to those "opportunities"?

I play tennis on weeknights 1x week, workout daily, have dinner with friends 4-6x year, take 3 day weekends solo 1x year,  travel randomly for work 1-2x year but the day-to-day stability is very important to me because I did not have that as a kid. I also know my kid and he benefits from structure. We have no helpful family members (local or otherwise) and cant afford a FT nanny.

I personally dont think this sounds like a rigidity issue. It sounds like resentment because your partner has 1) an interesting job and 2) is willing to outsource parenting and 3) likely only sees his contribution as financial (?). If yes, you are building your life around your kid and your DH which is why you may feel minimized. You both should be building your life around another and your needs and your child and their needs. Kids should not always be the ones getting the short end of the stick and nor should Mom.

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