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[quote=Anonymous]This is what I have told my own DD.

Compromise on the cultural differences but not on your self-respect.  Be human enough to recognize their kindness and effort.  Be warm, gracious, hospitable and with good manners - this is the least I expect of my own DD. Communicate with love. Everyone recognizes love. My DD is capable of grayrocking the bad parts and responding to the good parts.

Never criticize your spouse to your ILs or parents or other family members. They will never forget that one snapshot of disharmony and it colors their opinion for ever. Do not even share your criticisms with me (and I am my DD's closest confidante).  Understand the dynamics of existing relationships and then act accordingly to avoid landmines etc. Be nice to everybody.

Your spouse and you are one unit.  It is you against the world. Let go of the idiocyncracies. Don't be ready to take offense.  Give them the benefit of doubt. Brush off

Host well and feed people. If you feed people well, they will not take offense to you. Also, the fact that you are hosting and are busy, actually prevents you from interacting too much with them.  There is less chance of controversy if only superficial talking is happening because you are busy hosting and feeding them.

You are an adult.  Establish boundaries without making it a battle.  What does it mean? You can inform your ILs of your plans. That is good manners. You do not have to take permission from them.

Let your children have their own relationship with the grandparents.  It is a-OK if all your "rules" of childraising are not followed by your ILs (unless they are completely dysfunctional).  Don't do bean counting. Protect your kids if they need protection, but, do not weaponize your parenthood.

Be loving to the younger generation - your nieces and nephews, new members of the family.  Rejoice in meeting new people and be welcoming.  It does not take too much effort to be nice to someone. Create goodwill.

Keep the two families seperate and do not share too many details with each other.  Do not discuss your ILs with me, for instance.

Your kids are your responsibility. Grandparents, aunts and uncles, may help out and that is great. BUT, you had the kids, you raise them.  Any help is a bonus and you need to be thankful to that. 
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