Reply to Advice needed---- elderly parents, one with dementia...baby of the family, siblings issues

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[quote=Anonymous]Some great advice already. A couple of additional thoughts:
- take your issues with your own place in life out of the discussion, make your parents and their well-being the center - always - of decision-making and discussion. It really isn't about you and making sure you always keep them at the center will help w/ fraught sibling relationships and your own regrets later.
- Safety first. Always safety first. Two 86 yr olds living independently, one as a caregiver for the other w/ dementia, is - by definition - a situation that can only remain safe/calm/stable for a finite period. The question is what sort of intervention will be needed and when that will happen, not if. Your parents are one fall or one bad virus away from a crisis - so it is very smart to be planning for that now.
- If your sister has POA and financial control then you are not the one with all the responsibility. Things will change as soon as your father is not making the decisions. If your parents chose her for that role then you will need to take second seat to her role (when the time comes). If you and she can work together that would probably be hugely helpful for her, and for your parents, so you might invest some time in talking about these issues w/ her. You could be her ally when the time comes.
- As much as possible, get your father's wishes/opinions/preferences spelled out while he still can. When the time comes that difficult decisions need to be made, if you can refer back to what he wanted (rather than what you or anyone else thinks is best) it will help clarify what to do. It may also minimize stress between siblings and save you significant guilt later.

I'm the oldest of 3, and I was the designated child for all medical/financial/legal decisions and responsibility for our parents. Both of my parents are deceased now and we had (and are still dealing with) every variation on long-term care, crisis management, estate management/resolution etc... possible. So my thoughts above stem from that. You have the ability to do many of things that are what got me through:
- keep your parents safety as the primary driver for all decisions
- keep their wishes as the second most important driver for all decisions. I regret the last weeks of my mother's life in many ways, but I also know that she made the decisions. So even though I disagreed w/ some of her choices, I gave her the ability to make them, and I supported them. There is comfort in that now. I couldn't prevent her dying but I could give her as much control over her own life as possible for as long as she was with us.
- Support your sister. Support her decisions, don't argue with her, don't fight about possessions or small dollar amounts, etc.  I have very strained/limited relationships w/ my siblings (addictions being at the heart of almost all of it) so there was never any question that i was the only one responsible enough to handle the burden of the last few years of our parents' lives. But at every crunch point, every tough decision, all the estate management nightmares, my siblings both, consistently, supported me. I will never forget it and I am eternally grateful. Being the one with all the responsibility is very hard, so just support your sister as much as you possibly can when that time comes.

These years are so hard OP. You have the gift of proximity and time to spend w/ your parents, so take advantage of that while you can. You can deal with whatever junk in your own life you have to manage whenever you choose, but try to keep that separated from how you enjoy your remaining time w/ your mom and dad.

Hang in there.[/quote]

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