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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Thanks very much, PP.

How did you find the social worker and how is she paid? We thought we had some of this covered with a HHA but my mom has turned on her and plans to do without one. So your approach intrigues me.

I did recently call a doctor and the nurse documented my concerns. She suggested I ask if I could attend the upcoming appointment by phone as I was there for the last one in person and she remembered meeting me. I asked and my mom said "NO, I don't need a babysitter!" So that is a bit awkward, but not something I can control.

The sib with POA said we should have her start driving again so this will all be wrapped up sooner, and he does not care if she takes someone else out. He is pretty cold. The $$$ loving sib just sucks up to her. I seem to be the only one concerned about her well being and safety but am the one she is suddenly paranoid about bc I see she is struggling a bit.

Various service providers are trying to drive wedges re: her kids, the HHA, etc. It is a bit alarming. Some of that info has come from her, other info from neighbors. The HHA provides a degree of safety physically, keeping track of who is in and out, letting us know she had a recent serious fall, had a med error, etc. but now she is the targeted scapegoat, surpassing me. $ is a big anxiety for my mom and that is another reason she wants to cut off the service.

It's like watching a car accident in slow motion with vehicles coming from several directions.

Your mom sounds so much like mine, seeing the neighbors as her "fan club." They were thrilled that a meal service and HHA were started but my mom did not even leave those in place for a month before cancelling or planning/talking frequently about canceling at end of the month. The only neighbors who still interact with her all had narc or otherwise disordered or mentally ill mothers. They seem caught in her web but resentful. One is listing his house soon and the other travels for months at a time.

The HHA company also has an emergency service available, the owner would be available to go hospital since we all live far away. They also send a weekly report. It has been great, my sibs are fans too. But my mom does not factor in others and we can't prevent her from cancelling. But maybe a social worker could be a plan B. I guess there is always calling the police for welfare checks, too. 
[/quote]

Yep, I have a sibling who kisses up to profit as well and she feeds mom's delusions. She makes a good living, but it's easy cash for her and she lives the farthest so she will use that as an excuse when an emergency happens.

One of the neighbors offered to do all sorts of things because she saw I was there a lot and knew mom wouldn't take her up on her offer. Now that I have backed off more, neighbor isn't offering and mom is livid.

Very interesting about people trying to drive wedges. We did find some help did this and to be honest I find the social worker gaslights me and makes me feel like the crazy one as she defends my mother. I realized it doesn't matter. I document our conversations. I also sleep easier knowing this woman is being paid a lot to ensure mom's safety and if things fall apart I will simply direct all complainers to her. She is paid by mom. That was one area where I actually "won" with mom but it came after many tantrums and insults and a lot of sleepless nights and therapy sessions sorting through it all, but even if I don't like the person, it gives me peace of mind to know a professional is assessing things because siblings live in denial and have their own agendas.

Re"the brother who doesn't care if she kills someone-very sad. That is where I draw the line and will cover every base (call cops, contact DMV, take car keys if I am able, call Adult Protective Services). I am not letting mom murder anyone. I have a sister like this. I do think part of it is deep denial.

Speaking of Adult Protective Services...they can also do welfare checks. Contrary to what people think, they don't operate like Child Protective Services. A friend of mine found them utterly useless with getting her mom to comply with the right level of care, but she appreciated they were willing to check on her mom.

If the HHA company will deal with emergencies, that is all you need. Just draw your boundaries with your mom of what you can and cannot do and what you consider her part (like accepting the help and not firing them). Mine tantrummed and hated me. It was painful. The thing is I made sure I did everything possible to be proactive. Now if I can't be there and things fall apart I know I tried. You have to let them live on their own terms as long as they don't harm anyone else.[/quote]

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