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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]First off, so far our experience is it gets worse and more crazy with age. Mom used to be subtly manipulative, slightly entitled and had mils issues managing anger. Now it's all that on steroids. The sad thing is she is so obvious trying to pit people against eachother. She even tried to start a drama with my brother writing an email from ME from her email address. I chat with my brother weekly. What a stupid manipulation on her part. He knew it was her, but we both couldn't believe how ignorant she has become in her attempts to create drama.

We have both learned to detach from her. She has an obsession with firing doctors and acting like a diva at the office. We stopped researching doctors for her because it's a waste of time. She is perfectly capable of researching herself and she just fires them anyway.

Yes, don't expect the parent to be normal. We limit contact and get off the phone or leave when she rants, manipulates, guilt trips or tries to triangulate. [/quote]

Lol, my mom's neighbor said her entire sense of self is "bad girl DIVA." Mine likes going to the doctor esp if they compliment her shoes or purse. She does not follow their advice but going is one of her primary pastimes. If they try to schedule her in 6 months, she will call back and move appointment up.

Sib is angling for $ and handouts so just blows smoke, says, "you are sharp as a tack!" and fuels the triangulation and recently, paranoia.

Neighbors have expressed concerns and have pulled back. Just waiting for the next crisis, the intervals are getting shorter and shorter.

How can any concerns re: cognition be raised without triggering narc rage? She refuses to have anyone on the accounts or even to have one of us call in to participate in doctor's appointments, although if we are visiting from out of state she insists we go, nothing is consistent. Her insight or understanding of what was said at the appointment is often lacking, even right after. Sometimes that is documented by office staff. She is more and more unreasonable with us and has more rando 'unemployed neighbor of x home health provider" angling for some type of employment. It's not a great situation. Not sure how the jollying along advice would play out in this scenario?

It's like she has some kind of attachment disorder, people who have acted in her interest are scorned and rando sketchy strangers are embraced, sometimes literally. I looked up the standard for being declared incompetent in her state and it's pretty high.

It's stressful and when I try to build in safety I am blocked. [/quote]

I have found my people. Yes, I live all of this. So we have a geriatric social worker who checks on her for need, assesses driving skill, etc. She had to chose a person she was willing to let into her house and she chose someone young and easy to manipulate. It's not idea, but we make it clear to this woman that no matter how charming she finds mom, it is not OK if mom murders someone with her car so she needs to taker job seriously. That said, at least mom lets her in the door. If we chose someone more seasoned, mom would fire her.

Yes, mom scapegoats, manipulates and basically screws over anyone who cares and seems to adore the randos taking advantage.as a wise person on here said, while deemed cognitively OK, you cannot protect them from themselves, but you must protect the world from them. I spent years trying to do right by my mean mother. Now I accept she will probably cause her own death through stubbornness. If the woman we hired can't get mom to stop driving when the time comes, we will get police and DMV involved.

One issue we have had is relatives who gladly accept mom buying love, but then can't take the dark side of that-when mom gets nasty. I have detached from that. If they can't say "no" and set boundaries that is their problem. No gift from her comes without strings. If you feel you already earned her handout or she didn't make clear the strings, work it out with her and stop dragging me in. The same goes for neighbors who constantly said "let me know if need anything" or "call me anytime." They have to set their own boundaries. Their words deluded her into thinking all her neighbors adored her and would gladly support her aging in place. Sure people say those things to be friendly and they mean it for now and then, but if they only planned to help her once, then they need to say that. I am not the messenger. I wanted her to move, but shew felt she was too adored by neighbors to disappoint them. Now she complains they all see to quickly run inside when they see her.

One of the helpful things about having someone in charge of assessment is the person also can be paid to deal with emergencies. If I am not available we will simply call the social worker. If mom were kind, I would insist on throwing my own life into chaos to be there for her, but after enough years of these tirades my kids and husband absolutely come first and will not be subjected to anymore abusive behavior.

If the time comes and she has to go rehabilitation and I have no access to her money, then the social worker at the hospital will have to figure it out and she will go where they can send her.[/quote]

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