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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]NP. Does she like to role play, does she want to be in control of playing as well as in control of you and her sibling and her friends? Does she have fast mood swings from happy to upset or mad and back to happy? [/quote]

No, she does not like to role play (and dislikes imaginative play in general). Yes, she wants to be in control, always. I've considered PDA. As for mood swings, it is not entirely clear. I wouldn't say mood swings are a huge problem, but rather that she is very inflexible and constantly irritable, so we are always delaying with bad moods. Sometimes she will explode and then get over it and seem fine in 30 minutes, while the rest of us are still reeling, but I'm not sure if that is technically a mood swing. I'm curious what you're thinking!

We have considered if she might be autistic, and discussed it with various therapists, teachers, and her psychiatrist. Although she has some qualities that would put her in the autism category (inflexible, no imaginative play, sometimes very literal (most people have ultimately felt that she would not receive an autism diagnosis as she is socially fairly neurotypical, doesn't have any particular interests, has hit all of her milestones on time. She isn't even quirky, really. I also questions a PANS diagnosis.

She does well academically and doesn't seem to have any significant learning differences. Not sure if that is important information when making suggestions!

[/quote]

PP here.  I was thinking about PDA.  I have a DC with PDA and for years the entire family was in crisis.  It's much better now, DC is 10, has started Focalin, we have changed some parenting techniques, he has matured a bit.  We still have better days and worse days (for whatever reason this weekend has been pretty bad but things had been going better for a while before that).  Your DC may not be PDA but may just have "regular" demand avoidance and some of the same strategies can work for that too.  Also "regular" anxiety causing the need for controlling everything and everyone in her orbit.

As for strategies, neither consequences nor rewards work for us.  We are more indirect, use more words rather than fewer (this is the opposite of strategies for autistic children fwiw) and don't (try not to take) anything personally, including No, refusal or bad language or name calling.  Whether PDA or just regular demand avoidance, a No is an indication of stress, overwhelm, anxiety, and struggle.  The poor behavior may be hard for the whole family - it's hard for the kid too (I try to keep this in mind but don't always remember in the moment).  We found the Declarative Language Handbook somewhat helpful although not a silver bullet, ymmv.  A softer, slower approach overall.[/quote]

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