Reply to Has anyone successfully changed the dynamic with stifling ILs?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You can have one set time with all of you when you are "visiting" with the ILs.

Everyone dresses up nicely and you all sit down for tea, coffee, milk and cake or cookies, one day for an hour or so.  DH takes some pictures of the family and then the kids do their normal routine.

Maybe your kids are rude and ill-behaved? Maybe your ILs are old fashioned? My kids are young and they know how to visit my ILs for an hour or so.  I will dress my kids up and take pictures with ILs. Later I send them these pictures and my ILs are very happy with it.

I am sorry OP, but usually I absolutely dismiss the DILs who are bad mouthing their MILs. [/quote]

OP here. We have far more than “one set time” with them during visits. We eat ALL meals together, we usually do activities like a museum or a low-key hike, puzzles, drive around and look at Christmas lights, go to church, etc., etc. But we’re talking my ILs whining that my daughters were reading the books and doing the activity books they got for Christmas, or dared to play with the toys they got on Christmas. Basically anything other than sitting and “chatting” or “visiting” is seen as rude. Can you imagine expecting children not to play with the toys they got on Christmas, or read the books they got on Christmas? My youngest even tried to get my FIL to play with her Shashibo cube (fidget toy) with her, but he didn’t want to.

My kids are both straight-A students that teachers, camp directors, pastor/churchgoers and other parents praise for their manners. This past holiday, they were super polite and went the extra mile, until finally my oldest was honestly embarrassed and exasperated when she was accused of “disappearing” when she had just been going to the restroom.

They are stifling. And it’s not only DH and I who think so; his sister and her family feel the same way. Even MIL’s best friend AND FIL’s sister have been known to say “at ease, Janie,” the running joke being that she is known to be high-strung and literally follows people around.

You are 100% out of line to A) act like we don’t devote tons of time as focused time for ILs—we do—and B) act like my kids aren’t well-behaved. They are. [/quote]

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