Reply to 95yo Dad Not Accepting His Cognitive Decline

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have mixed feelings about these responses. It is clearly easier for children to have professionals care for their aging parents.

My mother's ONE expressed wish in old age was to die at home (where she had lived with my father, the love of her life, and raised her children). The nursing homes we visited were VERY depressing. Full of people who were in cognitive decline, half of whom were moaning or crying out that they wanted to go home. The staff had too many patients to attend to, and did not seem particularly fulfilled shall we say.

So, I get both interests, and have a hard time labeling one party selfish over the other.

Aging is just very difficult. I am not sure that increasing life expectancy in a society that is not set up to support old people with compassion is a good thing.  [/quote]

Many of us wanted to honor our parents (even difficult ones) and do exactly what they wanted. After enough years, emergencies, elder tantrums, caregivers quitting or stealing, ingratitude and siblings ordering you around and your own stress-related health issues from trying to balance things you burn out no matter how many books you read in the tub or nature walks you take. People are living a looooooong time in a horrible state. in the end, after all you did nobody remembers or cares and worst of all the parent you did it for hates you either for not being good enough, or putting them in a facility or not being there for 1 of many emergencies because you had your own emergencies. Save yourself a horror show and find the best place possible to age where they must keep up those social skills. Friends/connections/interacting with people who won't put up with nastiness is vital to brain health. Also, you must preserve your own health. Some elderly will eat their young even once loving ones if the empathy totally erodes. We have learned a lot on the over 10 years we have been at this. Your parent may hate you for a placement, but my parent hates me after many years of sacrifice when I just couldn't take it anymore. She hated me throughout. The thank yous went away after year 1 and when I set boundaries I occasionally got a sarcastic thank you, but that turned into outright abuse and I had to step away.[/quote]

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