Reply to How to deal with intense negativity from older widowed mother

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Honestly your mom sounds like she has BPD.

My mom does, and I was once like you -- enmeshed in her mental illness, treating it as if it is normal. It's not. And it's hurting you. Try to draw some boundaries. It's very hard later in life but possible.

The workbook Stop Walking on Eggshells is a terrific start.

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1684036895/ref=pd_lpo_2?pd_rd_w=MY2eJ&content-id=amzn1.sym.116f529c-aa4d-4763-b2b6-4d614ec7dc00&pf_rd_p=116f529c-aa4d-4763-b2b6-4d614ec7dc00&pf_rd_r=Y10B8J78HKMK1A3E1SYZ&pd_rd_wg=Bz71I&pd_rd_r=674abb4c-379d-4bf6-b519-28baf262f855&pd_rd_i=1684036895&psc=1

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OP here. You hit the nail on the head.  In addition to being a long term bipolar diagnosis, several years ago her old psych (who my mother gave permission to talk with me), told me that she has characteristics of borderline personality disorder.  I just didn't mention it in my original post BC it doesn't seem as common as say bipolar.  That same psych recommended that same book.  I never read it, but now I will purchase as I clearly need some guidance.

My mother originally wanted me to talk to her psych so the psych could share with me on how to be a better adult daughter and support my mother in her grief.  (My father had died earlier that year.  My mother always disliked my father and even many many years later blames him for everything even though he's been long dead.). The psych and I had a short convo. And I finally asked what was really wrong with her. That's when I finally got confirmation of what I had long suspected. Bipolar and this new term, borderline personality disorder.  I asked the psych if my mother was aware of her diagnosis and he affirmed yes.  A couple weeks later I was talking with my mother about the convo, how I could best help her and I gently asked if the psych had ever talked to her about her diagnosis, specifically bipolar.  My mother is a decent actress, feigned shock, and then got angry and said none of it was true BC all her problems are due to my horrible dead father.  I thought that was really weird that she didn't own it.

Years and years later, I was having a long fraught convo with my mother about her horrible life and she said everything is my father's fault. I reminded her that he's been dead 13 years and it can't be all him, and maybe part of it is also related to her and her depression etc.  She asked me angrily what I was talking about.  I asked her about her mental health diagnosis, since she is on mood stabilizers, benzos, anti psychotic meds, etc.  She got angry and said she was perfectly fine but that it was everyone else's fault that she was the way she was.  She is in complete denial and blames everyone else.  It's not her fault that she is bipolar and bod, but I was just looking for some acknowledgment and ownership, and not constant victim martyr blame games.  It's so bizarre
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This reminds me a lot of my mother, but my mother doesn't stick with therapy or meds and after dad died she stopped blaming him and started blaming me. After a few sessions of therapy and maybe a few months of meds, she feels better, declares herself cured and drops everything. My own therapist suggested she may have bipolar and Borderline when hearing what I faced with her and for a while I kept saying "oh noooooo, she's not like THAT, she's not that extreme", but she really is. My mother's whole deal with my dad is so strange. Throughout their marriage she portrayed herself as the saint and him as the bad guy and I bought into it even though he was kind to us. She was full of rage and resentment as he became ill and declined and we had to get her to stop taking it out on him. After he died, he rage turned to me, the one who was there for her. She now puts him on a pedestal and visits his grave often. They have the perfect marriage now that he is gone, unable to speak up and unable to move all those feet underground. She talks about how much she misses him and for years has been playing the forlorn widow card. Now she no longer blames him for all her problems, she blames me because if i was a better daughter everything would be better. She completely lacks self-awareness or a sense of basic decency or character. When I take breaks from her she lashes out at strangers and it is always their fault-the terrible bank teller, the horrible nurse, the wretched doctor, the incompetent person at the grocery store. They all deserve a tongue lashing from her and have victimized her.[/quote]

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