Reply to Fostering a relationship between mom and my kids

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You had a toxic childhood. Stop this nonsense now. You don’t need a better relationship with this woman — you need much less of a relationship with her.

And your kids don’t need any of this!!![/quote]

+1 Sges done a number on you. Maybe she is so ill thst she can’t help herself, but boy - the dynamic you described is 100% toxic. There is no reason you should subject your kids to that dysfunction.

This is unsolvable, and will not change. You seem to feel responsible for her emotional state, and you are not. I don’t have the bandwidth right now to dig deep but I could barely read your account because I did not understand why you are putting yourself snd your kids in this position - desperate for her approval. Because she kill’s herself to cook and clean for you? She spends hours on a meal so you should be enmeshed and have no boundaries? No.[/quote]

I feel it is my duty to love and take care of her no matter what. And to forgive her of her flaws. Some of that is part of my culture. She has had a really hard life. Sometimes she says nonsensical critical, controlling things. But at other times she says things like, she knows that her depression and illness is no one else’s problem except hers and it’s something she has to fix on her own. And that sometimes it keeps her from wanting to talk to people, or interact with people. And even when she is with others, like my kids, or other family, it only makes her feel more alone and lonely. I feel pulled from opposite ends of feeling like as a daughter, it’s my job to help her, and believing she is selfless and wants a better relationship too with us, to feeling like she is extremely selfish and self centered and is only doing everything else to make sure we stay close to her and give her what she needs.

But she refuses to take medication, even with her doctor’s urging for over 4 years. And she refuses to move out of her 3br house for which she is unable to care for on her own and constantly needs our help with maintaining and fixing. Because she says she likes the large space and would feel trapped and claustrophobic in a smaller space. But I also get that change is hard and she’s attached to the house she has lived in for 40 years.  It is just a hard situation and we are tied to her because she relies on us to take care of a lot of things, and we also financially support her.
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