Reply to I need my husband to bring some ideas, goals, energy, something to our relationship and life

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[quote=Anonymous]I'm projecting my own stuff onto here, but ... I don't see any real problem with the not planning - that might just be how he's wired. The real problem is if he can't muster up any enthusiasm for the stuff you plan. That could just be a "having little kids" thing though. When I was in that phase of my life, my ambition was to sneak a little time to just check out and veg on the couch.

Assuming that the lack of interest isn't long-term, though, you might want to try to make peace with his lack of planning. Personally, I don't like planning because I don't know what I'm going to want to do at the date and time when the plans are made, and I'm afraid something better will come up. This creates a mental block. My wife, on the other hand, is a compulsive planner. She feels deeply uneasy if things aren't mapped out.

So, I've learned to kind of get over my need to be in the mood for any given thing or fear of wanting to do something else; and I more or less happily go along with her plans. I try to be present and engaged in whatever she plans. I'm kind of go-with-the-flow, so I'm usually pretty successful in having a good attitude. But, at the same time, she's gotten better at respecting my desire for some amount of unstructured time in our lives. It's hard to live with a planner and tell them that your deepest desire is to do jack shit for an afternoon. So, I usually didn't say it, and it took her a while to figure out that's where I was coming from.

I don't know if your husband is at all like this, but if you want to take a deeper dive, consider that he might be like me in that his parents taught him at a young age not to want things. I was taught to work hard, do as I was told, and not expect the world to give me much. That made me an easy kid to raise, but I probably internalized it too much.

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