Reply to I need my husband to bring some ideas, goals, energy, something to our relationship and life

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[quote=Anonymous]OP, I get it. I often feel this way too.

I do think it would help to separate out the things you are looking for. I relate to all of them, but I do think you're talking about two distinct things:

1) Short-term planning, like figuring out date nights, making travel arrangements, inviting friends for dinner, planning playdates with other families, etc.

2) Long-terms goals, like saying "I really want to take the kids to visit my relatives in Ireland while they are still relatively young" or "I was think Jack might really like a coding camp next summer".

What I've learned about my husband is that I can actually outsource plenty of that short-term planning to him, as long as I pick the right stuff. Like he's actually really good at setting up playdates with our friends. He's also really good at figuring out where and what we're going to eat, whether it's on vacation or with friends coming over, or just meal planning for us. But he's terrible at planning dates, all non-food aspects of vacations, and all the kid-related holiday stuff (i.e. making sure kids have costumes for Halloween, getting stuff for Easter baskets, etc.). He also is really bad at birthday celebrations, especially mine, which is a source of contention because he just doesn't even try so unless I plan my own birthday, we will literally do nothing and that feels pretty crappy.

But I can work with that. He's good at some things and bad at others, I have some of the skills he lacks and it mostly evens out (except for the birthday thing, it's the one thing I'd really like him to make more of an effort because I just want to feel taken care of once a year).

The long-term goals stuff, what I've found is that I need to initiate these conversations, but if we separate it out from the short-term planning, they go better. He does have ideas about what he wants our family to do and things he wants to do. He doesn't "take initiative" with it, but the ideas are there. It helps to have these conversations without pressure -- after the kids go to bed, over a glass of wine, ask "ok, what are the experiences we really want to have with the kids before they go to college." Write some of it down. Revisit it occasionally. You can have similar conversations about your retirement plans, or just empty-nest plans. The big picture stuff. Don't bring it up all the time, but maybe check in twice a year so that those big ideas guide the smaller decisions you make.

It's not perfect. Obviously I'm still initiating most of this. But at least he's involved and invested. [/quote]

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