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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I would not forgive but if the issue is not ongoing (meaning she is no longer doing this or other hurtful things) I would try to drop it or forget about it in terms of our day to day lives.

My MIL was awful to me when I had my baby. I don’t know what the deal was but she made fun of me, got angry with me over tiny things, made unreasonable demand on me when I was immediately postpartum, and done other very hurtful things. It was especially hurtful because it was a hard time fir me anyway and she was not only not supportive but became a major source of stress.

She’s never apologized but her behavior did stop eventually. I will never be close to her and I feel that she showed me something important about her personality, and her true feelings about me, during that time. But when I see her now I barely think of it, and I can be perfectly cordial. I was even quite kind to her when my FIL died. It can be hard at first, but being the bigger person really does feel good sometimes. It can feel powerful, like “I know you’re horrid but I choose not to be bothered by it.”[/quote]

Interesting- I got along fine with both in-laws before kids but my MIL was a nightmare for a while when my oldest was born (first grandchild). I think she was devastated that her expectations for being a grandmother were so far from reality- mostly because of her own health and limitations but why not blame the DIL instead!  Really inappropriate stuff that would make your jaw drop. I knew she had some mental health issues before that but I guess I’d never really disagreed with her about something important so I had never gotten the full force of what that could look like. My husband was included in some of the nastiness and really really hurt. Our relationship has never recovered and is a shadow of what it was before. MIL doesn’t ever apologize to anyone for anything so neither of us really spent time trying to pursue that. I think we basically had to adjust the terms of how she is included in our life and unfortunately my FIL is collateral damage there, who’s very sad for my husband. But she is a generally a nice and  interested grandmother so we do some short visits, photos etc. [/quote]

PP here and I think this is not that uncommon. My own mom was also really weird when my DC was born and I realized at the time, even as I was very hurt by their behavior, that they were both going through something difficult in terms of how they saw themselves and what it meant for them. Like yours, I think my MIL had very specific and probably not realistic expectations for what it would be like to be a grandparent. I also strongly suspect that she was very jealous and somewhat angry that I had a girl, as she had always wanted to have one and only had boys, This doesn't justify her behavior at all -- I almost can't talk about it because I had PPD and thinking about specific indigents is actually triggering for me because I was already in such a low place and the stuff she said and did to me back then were almost shocking. One think I will say is that she, on numerous occasions, tried to pry the baby from my arms when I was holding her, once when I was nursing. I was actually afraid she might try to take my daughter and not give her back at some point, and I'm not sure of the degree to which this was my own hormones/PPD and how much of it was real based on her behavior. It was a really tough time.

And yes, we'll never be close. Like yours, she'll never apologize. I think she sees herself ad the perpetual victim whose woes always trump everyone else's. Like to her, the idea that I could ever struggle or have a challenge that required support from my family is laughable. Love, support, and kindness only flows one way with her, and it's in her direction.[/quote]

I’m so sorry you went through this. I bet it’s more common than people think; it was a total change in our relationship that was hard because my DH and I had already been together for many years by the time we had kids. She intellectually knew that she didn’t get to make choices for our child but could not handle not being in control and did some really dumb things. I do think she was some what trying to get my DH to divorce me so he would move closer since she was very angry about us not living in their city. But I didn’t really think she would kidnap my kid or anything like that despite also doing the grabbing at the baby thing. Thankfully it didn’t work at all and my DH shut it down pretty effectively and we now have an understanding. But it’s really sad. We have only seen them for a couple short visits during the pandemic, no idea what our new normal will be like.[/quote]

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