Reply to My DH does not understand what it's like to be the primary parent

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[quote=Anonymous]My first piece of advice is a mind shift change. Assuming you’re not talking about babies or toddlers, but elementary aged kids or older, I’m not convinced that your way is “better” here. He’s essentially blowing them off. Well, maybe they’ll just figure it out themselves (rather than being directed on how they can do it themselves, which is different.) Maybe they’ll get creative. Maybe they’ll learn a little patience, or do without whatever it is they wanted. I don’t think always addressing their needs when you’re in the middle of another task (even if it’s just downtime) is the right path. So you definitely need to get past your “I just want him to respond to the kids faster.” That’s not how he’s gonna do it, and that’s not necessarily better anyway. Give up on that.

However, it is reasonable that you not be interrupted. You have very effectively trained your children to come to you. You even say in your post that if dad doesn’t get what they need fast enough, they come to you, and you do it because “you can’t focus anyway.” So yeah, of course you’re gonna get interrupted! Stop doing that! You need to retrain them.

You need a clear delineation between when you are “on call” and when your husband is. Split days? Sunday-Tuesday, kids bother dad. Wednesday-Saturday they bother you. Or mornings/evenings. Whatever makes sense, but you and your husband need to decide on an even divide of “shifts” for this stuff.

While you’re retraining I think a visual barrier is important at least for a while. You’re not going to be able to start with both of you sitting in the living room. I would recommend a big red stop sign made out of construction paper that you put on the room you’re in. Your bedroom or the office you set up are probably your best options to start. And you tell the kids - unless the house is on fire or dad is severely injured, they are NOT to knock or come in. Never. If they do knock, don’t answer. If they come in, you read them the riot act. Do not even address whatever they’re asking about. It’s simply “I have told you not to bother me when that sign is up. Go to your room for 10 minutes” or wherever consequence works for you guys. But there should ABSOLUTELY be a consequence.

It will absolutely be more annoying for the first week or two, but if you push past that, uninterrupted bliss is waiting for you!

Meanwhile, let your husband deal with them however he’s going to deal with them. No micromanaging! If they don’t get a snack and get hangry, he’ll have to deal with it. They won’t starve.

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