Reply to Paint a picture for me: how do you parent?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I focus on building a good relationship and secure attachment. “Discipline” never really sat well with me, and permissive/positive didn’t work too well. The way that positive reinforcement and punishment are applied by parents really isn’t the way it is applied in behavior science, actual behavior science is far more complicated than sticker charts or time outs (according to my good friend who holds advanced degrees in the field).

I remember reading that when children are infants, we spend 95+% of the time engaged with them, and only 5% on “correcting” or managing their behavior. But this flips as kids get older, and 95% of our interactions are corrections or managing them. And of course they don’t listen, because we don’t have a good relationship anymore. For example, at the playground last night, I watched as a dad constantly micro-managed his son’s behavior, but never actually *played* with his son. But if they had played together, everyone would have had a much more enjoyable time, and dad would have been able to redirect the son when needed. This also aligns with what I’ve read from Gottman Institute, where good relationships of any type have 20 positive interactions to every negative interaction.

So for us, it’s a lot of interaction with my undivided attention. Because that’s often what kids want more than candy, screen time, everything used to bribe them - they really just want attention and interaction from their parents. At the playground, I play with the kids. At home, I participate in crafts/playtime/homework/etc. We have small rituals for greetings and goodbyes. I take my time and don’t rush them. Very, very limited screen use so we can spend more time together. Lots of touching and affection. I try to establish a connection before stressful situations - for example, we wake up 10-15 minutes earlier to spend time cuddling, talking, making eye contact, engaging, etc before we start the morning routine of getting ready (this was a game changer for me, SO much more agreeable than the constant nagging and stress). When we have conflict, I try to use it as a way to build relationship and have them think for themselves.

Happy to give any tips/tricks/resources is anyone is interested. It’s worked really, really well for us, and I get so many compliments on how well-behaved my kids are. Also worked really well for my dogs, too, ha. [/quote]

I LOVE your philosophy. I want ALL your tips and tricks please! I try hard to do most of what you said but I get so irritated and I correct way too much. How do stop yourself from doing that?[/quote]

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