Reply to S/o outsourcing cleaning as a relationship fix

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Much of your list really doesn’t have to be done every day. Unmade beds are not a crime (are in fact more hygienic) groceries aren’t delivered daily, mail can sit on a shelf for a couple days without producing radioactivity, and perhaps my husband and I are outliers but our floors are not littered with pubes...

The point of outsourcing cleaning help and why I always suggest it has nothing to do with giving men an out on doing their half, it’s on making the whole smaller so both partners have less on their plate. We have finite time, we both work full time jobs, time with each other and our daughter is inherently of greater value than time scrubbing a toilet. It is also about avoiding sources of conflict.  I have a daughter, and if she has  no memories of her parents fighting over who takes out the trash, that’s a win in my book. I also consider it a win if she is raised without the Insane and deeply sexist idea that cleaning a house is a better use of her time than reading a book, taking a walk, connecting with her spouse and child/ren etc.

I was raised by someone who thought the house had to be ready for inspection at a moments notice. Every dish washed within ten minutes of a meal being finished.  She used to vacuum on the way out the door to vacation. My dad begged her to have a daily maid and she refused.  How many memories do you want your kids to have of you mopping vs. playing with them?[/quote]

boy, it sure is NICE for my DH to have only fun memories with DS, meanwhile I am at home doing all the chores he literally refuses to do. (Like - actually literally says he won’t ever do.)[/quote]

You are compounding the problem. Your son will think housekeeping is something only women do and he will “refuse” as well.  If your son thinks housekeeping is something part of the household budget you will at least have improved on his father (who sounds like a real winner...)[/quote]

Sure but that only works if the partner who wants the cleaner house is willing to live with a house that gets pretty dirty between professional cleanings. You can argue that a dirty house is better than any arguing over who has to wipe the toilet between professional cleanings. But I would guess OP doesn't think it's acceptable to have a bathroom full of sticky pubes and pee on the floor for however long it takes for the cleaners to come back. So either the cleaners come back more often - which isn't always financially feasible - or someone in the household is wiping up pee and pubes between cleanings.

I'd argue that getting the kids to do it would be the right answer - at least for that one bathroom. This helps teach them to make cleaning part of their routine, and has some accountability for being disgusting in the bathroom - and it'll teach them well for later in life. They, then, hopefully won't have a spouse posting here about how their partner leaves a disgusting mess in the bathroom and expects them to take care of it.

I would also say that it's best if you can find a reasonable division of labor outside of that. Perhaps the husband can do the dishes, and you can make sure the bathrooms are clean enough. Or something like that. In our house it's tht my husband is in charge of keeping the kitchen clean (including dishes) - and I leave him alone to do it; I do NOT micromanage how and when the dishes get cleaned - and I do most of the pet care, including cleaning the litterbox and cleaning up cat puke. It works for us. I do have to clean his bathroom between professional cleanings, though - we have two; it's essential in our marriage - because he has some physical limitations and can't bend down to actually get the pee off the floor. It's been a long battle in our marriage and finally I just realized that we would both be happier if I just did it without having it be a big thing we have to talk about and negotiate all the time.

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