Reply to 4 yo told black preschool worker he "doesn't like brown people"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Preschool that we love and have sent 3 of our kids to told me today afterschool that my youngest, 4 yo son, told a black "floater staff" that "he doesn't like brown people other than John (his bestie)." I am utterly floored and responded thanking them for alerting us, telling them that it does not reflect our values at home and we are very shaken by it and that my son would be apologizing and writing a card to the staffer. Ugh. We had a serious heart felt discussion about how we it hurts feeling to say unkind things to them about their skin or bodies and that skin color is a very sensitive topic. He was very upset and I think realized it was a big deal, but I'm jsut so taken aback by the whole thing. We are a super progressive family with diverse friends (who we haven't seen much of thanks to the pandemic). I just am floored that my son would say this because we definitely have talked about race and have diverse books. (older kids so we talk about race in appropriate ways in the family.). I am also just mortified about what the staff must think of us. Any advice, commiseration? Ugh. just feeling awful.  [/quote]

A lot of kids do this around that age. I don't think at 4 they can understand, or should understand, that skin color is "sensitive" -- and anyway it isn't, it's the treatment of people with certain skin colors that's the problem, not the skin color itself. So I'd sit down with him some time soon when he's attentive and not tired, and say "Remember how we talked about xyz and I told you skin color was sensitive? I didn't really explain that well. Here is what I meant ..." and then tell  him, expressly, that everyone has different skin color, just like everyone has different eye color or hair color. And that none of them are any better or worse than another. All people are different and that's what makes us interesting. But we don't say unkind things about the way anyone looks, whether that's their skin color, or their hair color, or if they walk with a cane or use a wheelchair, or if they're short or tall or skinny or fat. Say "how would you feel if John said he didn't like your hair color? eye color? skin color? That's how it feels to other people when you say those things. We don't want to make people feel bad about themselves."

As he gets a bit older, like closer to 5, start talking about heroes. Superheroes and real heroes. Make sure you include women and people of color as real heroes. Pick up some books from the library that show them. The school may help out with this -- my older kid's class started talking about MLK and Rosa Parks in the oldest preschool class, when the kids were older 4s and 5s. We elaborated on that at home and each year have worked in a bit more. But nothing's perfect. He's 7 now and yesterday when we were walking home from school he pointed to a sign in someone's yard and said "That says Black Lives Matter. That means black people live there." And I said no, that's not what it means, although of course it's possible that black people live there, but people of all colors have those signs. And I tried to explain in an age-appropriate way about police violence and treatment of African Americans and what the BLM movement is about and why I support it, though we don't have signs of any kind in our yard or on our car.

We are Jewish so since he was 4, and now with my daughter who just turned 4, we talk in age-appropriate ways about Judaism and about discrimination against Jews. (I talk to my son about violence against Jews, like pogroms that our family fled from 100 years ago, but I don't bring that up with my daughter, she's too young. Haven't broached the Holocaust yet either, that will be later this year most likely.) So that gives him more context because we can relate it to other events in the world and violence and discrimination against other groups.

It's always a work in progress, at least for white families. I can't speak for others of course.[/quote]

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