Reply to A theory about "tough love" friends

Forum Index » Relationship Discussion (non-explicit)

Reply to "A theory about "tough love" friends"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I had a friend who married a guy against all advice. I didn't come right out and say "don't marry him" but asked a lot of questions to see if she really thought he was "the one". They were clearly a bad match. Then the marriage was doomed from the start when they had a miserable honeymoon and dragged on for about a year and a half before ending in divorce. It's hard to listen to someone moan and complain about a situation entirely of her own making that was completely avoidable. It's too taxing to be with friends with someone like that, so, we're not friends anymore.[/quote]

This is the OP and this is a great example of why I don't think tough love friends make sense.

You obviously don't like this woman, do not respect her, and do not think she is capable of making her own decisions. The correct choice is to say to yourself "Wow, I do not like this person, I choose not to be friends with her." Not to pursue a friendship with her that largely involves you doling out "tough love." She wouldn't want to hear it and you would just get mad when she didn't do precisely what you wanted.

Now I can envision a friend for this woman who doesn't sit around judging her relationship and referring to her as moaning and complaining. I can imagine a friend who might not think this is the right guy for her, might even express this out loud, once, but who also respects her friend to make her own choices and is supportive when her friend seems excited about her marriage. After all, this friend might acknowledge to herself that you can't know everything that goes on in someone else's relationship and that this is her friend's decision to make.

This friend might take some time to understand why the woman is drawn to this guy who doesn't seem right for her (what's her past like? what's her upbringing like? does she have self-esteem problems? etc.) and, in trying to understand, have some empathy for the friend. This friend might also have some humility and not that she, too, is imperfect and that mistakes are a part of life and that no one gets everything right all the time. This friend could be there for this woman when she went through her divorce and could turn around and be a good friend in return because she felt loved and supported and respected.

No one needs tough love friends.[/quote]

Nobody needs emotional vampires either. She wasn't a very smart person and it got tiring watching someone make a mess of her own life.  If you want to do stupid things, then do it and don't complain. It's taking advantage of someone else to expect them to be your emotional support for your obvious mistakes. You made your bed, lie in it.[/quote]

I am so sorry you lost this dear friend. I can see you are broken up about it. :roll:

Why are you mad about HER choices? Really, you need to look inward to figure out why someone else's decisions about their own life make you so angry. It's weird.[/quote]

+ 1. [/quote]

I clarified in another post, this "friend" was a taker, not a giver. So we aren't friends anymore. When you support people it's reasonable to expect support in return and can be disappointing when you don't. I went to my friends wedding, wished her the best and hoped it would work out, despite concerns, that I framed as questions. Never did I tell her she was wrong or it was a mistake, I kept that to myself. I did my part. Everyone is projecting in here and one person's situation won't be the same as another's. If the friendship isn't a two way street and mutually beneficial then there is no point. Life is too short to have friends who are a drain, either way.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics