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[quote=Anonymous]Ok, I think there are a few things going on. Reading your post, I found myself identifying a lot with your SIL's words and behavior. Here's what all this would mean if I were your SIL (I'm not, but I could be!):

1) [b]She doesn't dislike you, but she might feel judged by you.[/b] Being a new mom is hard, and there's a steep learning curve. There's also a lot of pressure to be perfect and a lot of cultural narratives about the perfect mother. It can make you a little touchy to criticism or suggestions. It's like starting any new job, only you feel much more vulnerable because it's like everyone is watching you figure it out. Imagine if during your first year of being a teacher or whatever you do, you had to perform your job in front of not just your coworkers, the kids, or their parents, but also your family, strangers in public places, the family of your partner that you only just marrieds etc. There is so much focus on what you are doing and EVERYBODY has a suggestion, criticism, information they think you should know. Even when it's helpful, sometimes it makes you a little prickly. Just to give you a sense of why your SIL might seem defensive or not super welcoming towards your suggestions or advice.  What she craves is positive reinforcement ("Wow, I can tell how much you love him -- you're a great mom") not suggestions. And likely she doesn't get enough of the former.

2) [b]She needs stuff for her kid and people keep giving her other stuff.[/b] Figuring out what stuff your kid needs is like 20% of your life the first few years of their life. Also figuring out what stuff they DON'T need. Getting surprise gifts from family sounds nice, but so often it's a lot of stuff that isn't quite what you need, and that now you need to find a way to store or organize, plus you still need all this other stuff. My mom and MIL both kept sending dolls for my DD when she was a baby. I know that to them, they imagined these were sweet, sentimental gift that my DD would cherish throughout her childhood. In reality, my infant daughter (who could not yet even play with dolls) just had a bunch of dolls in her nursery when what I really needed was other kinds of toys. And of course, I can't just get rid of these sentimental gifts my child's grandmothers sent. It wound up feeling like an imposition. I ultimately did what your SIL did and told family we had a running wish list of age appropriate books, toys, and clothes. And I just started saying no to certain gifts. Our home is not huge. I don't want to be figuring out what to do with a bunch of stuff my DD can't use or doesn't play with, while also needing to source and purchase the stuff she does actually need. I have enough on my plate.

3) [b]You don't know her well enough for some of the gifts you're giving.[/b] I know to you that charm bracelet was a really thoughtful gift. But... what if she doesn't like charm bracelets? What if she wears gold jewelry, not silver? What if she had already picked out something to commemorate her first year as a mother and was hoping her husband would give it to her? Jewelry is just a very personal gift and I don't think you know her well enough to buy something that personal for her. Instead, you might have made her feel awkward, like she has to wear this jewelry item she doesn't like or that doesn't feel like her so as not to offend you, which is such a stressful situation to be in. Better gifts might be: a gift card to a spa, books or a magazine subscription, a couple months of Hello Fresh, etc. Still thoughtful, but a little less dependent on her personal tastes.

Also on the issue of "feeling like her" -- she's a new mom. It's literally an out of body experience. She might still be trying to figure out who she is and how she fits into her own life, which is so different than it was just a few years ago. Give her time and space to figure that out and don't write her off before she's settled in. I think my big take away from your post is that you really just don't know her that well and she doesn't know you that well. I think you need to take this relationship more slowly, lower expectations, and maybe focus on your relationship with your brother and nephew and let your (still pretty new) SIL take her time.[/quote]

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