Reply to Lonely, Empty Marriage After Dead MIL

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Why did you marry and have multiple kids with him?  One I can see but two? [/quote]
OP here. Sigh. They're twins and we conceived quickly. I didn't foresee that a sane person would knowingly bring a woman of color into a racist family and lie to her about it! To this day, he has yet to explain why he did it. If he knew he couldn't stand up to racism and that his parents were opposed, why the hell did he marry me? I told him repeatedly that if his family had a problem, I wanted him to tell me and that I would rather break up than have toxic in laws.  The whole time before we announced my pregnancy, his parents were often distant in a way that made me wonder if it was my race, but nothing I could put my finger on. Little did I know they were working hard behind the scenes to end us and when they didn't succeed, they were furious.

I'm a lot wiser to human duplicity now, I guess.[/quote]

Nope, OP. This is on you as much as it is him. You had your suspicions but went ahead and married him and had kids with him anyway. You weren't deceived you chose to ignore a gigantic red flag for whatever reason. I can say this as a woman of color who has been in the situation with the racist family whose SO claims they aren't racist.

You are dropping the rope again by refusing therapy for YOURSELF. You don't have to go with him.

[/quote]
OP here. OK, if that’s how you read it. Maybe you’re just a savvier person who would have seen that cold behavior, combined to with your presumably trustworthy fiancé reassuring you that they’re just reserved and it’s not you, means secret racists waiting to pounce. I had never dealt with anything like that before or after. I had had white boyfriends before and grew up with white friends and still have a number of white friends I’m close to. They’re all baffled too. I don’t get how people living in a major city are so racist and yet felt the need to hide it until we were all trapped. If they had made their feelings known to me, I would’ve gotten lost and they could have been happy. But hey, if you want to read this as my fault, that’s fine with me. That doesn’t do me any good in my current life, however.[/quote]

You said you thought she was a racist. That should have been enough for you. That's vetting, no need to beg fiance to tell you the truth or other such nonsense. Every single POC knows what's up with racism and family, and you either ignore and accept it or get the hell out the first time you suspect it. But you went right on ahead with it. You have equal responsibility in it.  It has nothing to do with all the white people you know, or how you supposedly don't understand it. If you're a real POC you know racism doesn't make any damn sense and exists everywhere. Anyway, pp is correct about you you don't actually want to change on improving anything. You like the toxicity and the drama despite what you claim.[/quote]

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