Reply to When one kid hurts another -- what's reasonable?

Forum Index » Tweens and Teens

Reply to "When one kid hurts another -- what's reasonable?"

Subject:

Emoticons





More smilies

Text Color: Font: Close Marks

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Is it a chronic situation or a one-time event? Is the one you are assuming was aggressive remorseful or unrepentant? How does the injured kid feel about it?[/quote]

Both kids are pretty intensely competitive, and there is a [b]complicated dynamic with a fair amount of jealousy between them[/b].

The adults who saw it, and who are themselves pretty athletic and competitive and involved in youth sports, are pretty clear that a line was crossed.  Honestly, I'm not athletic enough that I think I could make that judgement, but there does seem to be consensus that it was intentional aggression, and not just rough play, perhaps related to the jealousy dynamic.

After it happened, uninjured kid apologized, but also seemed resentful that the other kid was getting attention.  Both kids were very focused on figuring out who won the game, which revolved around the question of free throws and who could sub for the injured player.  Eventually they negotiated something, which resulted in the injured kid winning.  The injured kid seems to think of this as a resolution, that losing the game was the logical consequence and now the score is even.  The kids have been separated since then, not as a consequence but because adults are off work for the holiday, so they're home with their respective parents.  [/quote]

The kid who shoved was wrong, no doubt about it.  However, the bolded is concerning.

Rivalry and jealousy between kids stems primarily from one thing only - the parent/guardian dynamic and interactions with those kids.  If you want to change the way the kids get along then the adults in your environment need to change the way they interact with each other and with the kids.  Yes there are factors like personality and birth order, and experiences outside the family and family unit, but by and large sibling rivalries develop because of parental treatment.  If you want the kids to change then you adults need to change first.

As you adults get your act together, you also need to do some rebuilding of structure for the kids.  This includes baseline and household rules (more "in this household we will..." than "do NOT ...", more independent exercise, adult-supervised play, adult mediation to model appropriate discussion during disagreements, adult modeling of "same team, same side," and helping the kids recognize nonverbal mood signals so that they can become better "readers" of the others mood.

Think about the interactions of the kids, too.  Is there one kid who is more aggressive than the other, is one kid a sly instigator, is one kid prone to mood swings, are there triggers?  You should be having regular family meetings of the whole household to discuss topics of general and individual concern.

But most of all the adults in the household need to figure out what they're doing that is allowing and perpetuating the rivalry between the kids.  Make that your job 1.[/quote]

OP here.  It's not a sibling rivalry, because they aren't siblings.  [b]It's complicated because the kids are in very different households with different stressors and family circumstances.  Jealousy is one of the outcomes of that, and while we're working on it, it's complicated. [/b] I'll admit that I have some bias, because I'm only the parent of one of the kids.  [b]I'm not sure the other parents would agree with how I'd characterize both kids and their role in this, if that makes sense. [/b] [/quote]

Even more of a reason for all of you to get together and come to some agreement.  I am unclear if you are guests in a siblings home or if you all have gathered together under the parents' (grandparents to your kids) roof but it certainly sounds like [i]all of you together[/i] are allowing the jealousy to breed and fester.

The more you post the more I'm taking it that your kid is the one who was hurt and that the other kid was the aggressor.  I think that you and your spouse need to take a hard look at how you are treating your kid versus how the other kid is being treated by his parents.  If the two sets of you continue down the current path this could get a lot worse, and it will happen fast.  It is hard to know without a lot more information about the dynamic between the sibling parents and spouses but I am scared for the two kids and their safety.

If you and your spouse are super lenient while the other kid's parents are lay-down-the-law AND if that dichotomy is super visible to the kids et al then it would be tantamount to you and your husband instigating the reaction between the kids.  Remember that they are only 10.  While they can control their emotions it also is a lot without good modeling.  And if you're aiding and abetting by being super soft then this other kid will only become more jealous.  Both sets of parents need to come to some sort of agreement about the way you will treat your own kid and other kids, and the rules for the kids.  This may mean that you and your spouse toughen up while the other set of parents lighten up.

You should consider doing some tele-therapy with a family therapist who can help you and your spouse get out of this muddle.  Your child's pediatrician should be able to make some recommendations.  And if your back goes up against the wall then you should consider moving out for a breather.[/quote]

Options

	Disable HTML in this message
	Disable BB Code in this message
	Disable smilies in this message

Review message

Search Recent Topics Hottest Topics