Reply to What's a good/healthy/tear-free way for Ex-H to end each visit with DS instead of just sneaking off?

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Reply to "What's a good/healthy/tear-free way for Ex-H to end each visit with DS instead of just sneaking off?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]

No, no psychiatrist yet. I can barely get him to the CSAT. But thank you. I'm convinced he's bipolar. Will do my best to get him to a MD as I try to detach at the same time.  :cry: [/quote]

11:34 here.  This is my one huge regret in the whole unraveling of my relationship with my bipolar ex -- that I listened to sex addiction counselors inexperienced in bipolar who repeatedly told me that I had to "detach," that I was co-dependent (in trying to get him to get help), that only he could make decisions about his treatment.  This was absolutely the wrong advice.  While you can't drag a grown man to the psychiatrist, there are many ways to get him there short of by the hair kicking and screaming.  I found the book "I'm not sick I don't need help" to be a really helpful read in thinking about how to talk to my ex about getting help.

I truly believe that if I had made the appointment and driven my Ex to a psychiatrist experienced in bipolar as soon as I feared bipolar that our family would be in a far better place today.

The huge irony is that my ex would have preferred to have an "addiction" or "personality disorder" to being "mentally ill."  What internalization of stigma?!  If a man had a cardiac condition which caused him to be constantly out of breath and weak, we wouldn't label him lazy and tell him he had to see a motivation counselor?!  And his "motivation counselor" wouldn't say that his wife was codependent if she drove him to the doctor instead of telling him he should walk (which he obviously couldn't do).  It would be a no-brainer to give such a man cardiac medications.  Why do we treat bipolar differently? It is a brain illness that needs medication, and it is well-known that many persons with bipolar suffer from anosogonia (a lack of recognition that they are ill or have any symptoms of illness), so it's no surprise that a person with anosogonia doesn't think he needs treatment.

Whether or not we ultimately separated, it was better for him (and thus for me and our kids) if he saw a psychiatrist and got properly medicated.   I can't imagine allowing him to have any unsupervised custody or visitation absent proper treatment.  
 
You can "detach" in the sense of not allowing his ups and downs to roil you while still trying to get him help.  For me, what worked is to take the emotion out of the equation and simply say to my ex -- I know you aren't happy like this and I know you aren't a bad person.  I want you to have a life where you feel better whether or not you are with me.  I made an appointment with the psychiatrist tomorrow.  I will take you.  I can go in for a little bit with you or wait outside.  I'd like you just to talk to the doctor and consider what he/she says.  You don't even have to mention bipolar or sex addiction in this conversation.  You can focus on other symptoms like sleep or anxiety or restlessness.

Honestly, I think for a bipolar person that sex addiction counseling is virtually worthless without being properly medicated. (And likely unnecessary with proper medication.)  Hypersexuality is a very strong sign of mania for many bipolars and counseling can't manage mania, only medication can.

Sorry to be so blunt.  [/quote]

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