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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
Your DH is a people-pleaser.

He wants to help others and bask in the glow of being generous. I hope you know that the latter is a prime factor in charitable giving, OP. 
He is quick to feel obligated to people who help him. Great up to a point, unless he gets to a point where he can't say no.
But he also prefers to economize in daily life. Also excellent, unless his thrift descends into extreme territory.

I'm like this too. It's not a bad thing. Luckily my husband understands me and doesn't complain on DCUM!
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I find people-pleasers to be much more insidious than this description. Often their true desires do not have a healthy way to manifest and so become comforted and dangerous and they harbor hidden ill will and anger. I stay far, far away from people pleasers. [/quote]

As I said, I'm a people-pleaser, and your description is NOTHING like me. I haven't met any people-pleasers who exhibit ill-will and anger, actually.
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Ok. I have had the misfortune of meeting several, although all of them deny having aggressive or angry feelings ever and it just stews under the surface out of their consciences awareness. That is part of the pathology. I am willing to bet you are in denial about many aspects of yourself.[/quote]

OP here.  This is my point in bringing up the wedding - yell at me about the wedding (it was well within our budget), but insist we not register for gifts (which was fine by me) - then insist we "announce" a charity (WTH?) - THEN insist on registering when MIL says she wanted a registry (but she really didn't - she just wanted to criticize).  Apologies to the parenthesis hater for my writing style HAHA.

I think it parallels other incidents along the years (giving to others, then complaining to me, but not about the real issue - so yes, other PP - anger!) , but came up again with the deck. I'm thinking WTH? You have been going back and forth on the deck but expect me to call these people we already have been warned about (TY, other PP - neighbor can act as a foreman, but DH most certainly can not), then expect me to take time off and hear them out, then make it worse by either saying no later, or going with one and having it cost twice as much and/or have it half finished - "please sign me up". Who does that?

I really think it is ingrained issues.  I think it is people pleasing - but also cluelessness.  What do you call this kind of absolute cluelessness and failure to see the big picture?  He may be on the spectrum, his mom is really out there, and REALLY into appearances. Thanks for any feedback, I am trying to understand, and have been pretty good at damage control, but some things just throw me off a bit. Needless to say, we don't do a lot of projects like this for good reason.  I would like to say something to him that points out what the behavior is, but I need to understand it first. Therapy for him is admitting that he has a problem, so he won't do it.

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The main BIG issue I see here is that he is a people pleaser - but you, his wife, are not one of the people he strives to please. [/quote]

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