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[quote=Anonymous]My husband and I have three kids -- ages 8, 6, and 4.  The older two are our biological children and our youngest is ours through adoption from China (adopted at 11 months).  OP, we had terrible pregnancies, too, with months of worry, complications, and bed rest.  We'd always talked about adopting and it seemed like a natural way for us to grow our family.

Before the adoption, I was secretly worried that I might feel differently but the second we saw our youngest, we were her parents.  She was already part of our hearts and family! Having said that, the road hasn't been easy.  DD had terrible night terrors, health issues, and attachment problems that made the first two years post-adoption a true challenge, but just as we dealt with other challenging issues with the other two, we did with our youngest.  I feel very lucky as I know that bonding doesn't always happen as immediately as that for all adoptive families; sometimes it takes longer or in a very small number of instances, doesn't happen.  But this can happen with bio children, too.

We have been very lucky with the relationships between our kids.  They get along wonderfully.  The two girls call each other best friends and sleep in the same room every night, even though they each have their own.  Our son loves the girls, too, and they build forts together, play Wii, do art projects, etc., all as a group.  I worry more about him feeling left out sometimes, than I do about the split being between adopted/not adopted.  Our youngest is aware she is adopted from China and calls herself "brown" compared to her siblings, but we talk about it very matter-of-factly.  For a while, when she was two especially, she expressed displeasure at being different.  She said, "I don't want to be from China.  I want to be from your belly," and a few other comments like that.  Our other two don't know any differently and so our family arrangement seems very typical to them.

One of our biggest ongoing issues has been how much to get involved in the larger community of adoptees and Chinese heritage groups and such.  Many adoptive families we know have gotten heavily involved.  DD struggled with attachment a lot & we got help from an attachment therapist who really helped our whole family.  The therapist said that she felt DD would feel more different and separate from the family if we were constantly interjecting about China.  We do talk to her about her birthplace (the Olympics were great for that!), I answer any questions she asks, and I have kept a growing memory box that we look through as often as she likes.  We have just focused first on being a really strong family, rather than choosing that aspect to focus on first.  You would want to think about this when considering whether to adopt domestically or internationally, as well as just getting to know your child and what will work for your child.

Something that takes getting used to is how often people stare at our family.  Now, I am as likely to read the stares as an appreciation of how beautiful my kids are as any big question mark but at the beginning, it felt weird.  Some people just keep it at stares but others will say things ranging from, "She's so lucky," to "Where did you get her?" in front of all three kids.  While I know they are well-meaning, my responsibility is to my children and I try to shut down invasive inquiries asap.

OP, as you know, having a child -- whether by birth or adoption -- is a huge leap of faith.  In our case, we just felt we had a daughter out in the world who needed to come home and jumped off the cliff to find her.  I am so very grateful we did; our family would be incomplete without her.  Best of luck to you with your decision.  You are asking great questions.[/quote]

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