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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I am thinking therapy is in order. Not just because of his brothers but his lack of empathy in general. He has a good relationship with us, his parents. He tells me a lot. He asks us for advice. It’s a better relationship than I had with my parents at a teen. I’ve made sure of that. He just wants to be in control of everything. His brothers trigger some insecurity in him, I think, because they are not as intense and generally more fun loving.

I’ve considered therapy for him off and on over the years for diff reasons mainly having to do with signs of narcissism. It’s probably time to do that before he’s 18. But he will resist hard. [/quote]6

New poster. Came to second the many, many posts about therapy and saw this from you, OP. You are right -- if you do not move very quickly to get therapy for your oldest, the two years before he's legally an adult will slip away and you will NOT be able to make him attend therapy. Then he'll be gone to college or whatever he does after HS, and the opportunity is gone. I know there's a pandemic on but you need to find therapy for him, and possibly additional family therapy for him plus you and dad, ASAP. OP, look hard for in-person therapy if you can find it and feel it's safe re: covid. Your son likely is on screens a LOT, and another screen appointment will surely mean he checks out mentally and gets nothing out of it.

OP, I would do a new thread here seeking recommendations for therapists who are very experienced with teens his age and with sibling dynamics issues as well as control issues. I think you are perceptive about the idea your oldest might feel he can't control things around him; that is often a sign of anxiety.

Even before that, look today at the list of therapists your health insurance covers and start making calls today to see who is taking new patients, is experienced with teens, and is doing appropriately safe in-person therapy. Don't wait. It can take a LONG time to get any therapist, to get a first appointment, and then you might still have to try more than one therapist before one "clicks" with your son enough for him to open up.

Ask your son's pediatrician for recommendations as well. Again -- put in the initial call to the pediatrician now. This is a job to start today, not in a week. It really can take time to find a therapist.

You note that he will resist hard. You and your DH must present a united front that this is something that will happen, not a debate or negotation, but not a yelling match either. I would try at least for now to ensure his brothers do not know this is being arranged. You and DH really could use counseling yourselves to help you know how better to deal with the fraternal strife, and to ensure you don't -- without meaning to -- encourage the 14-year-old to "stand up for himself" in ways that worsen the dynamic and make your 14-year-old sarcastic and snarky with others besides his brother.

Please update us. You are RIGHT that this situation is not merely "boys will be boys" or "brothers always fight" and right that it indicates something more is needed beyond you and dad. Is DH on board with therapy? If he's not --that is your first battle, because if both of you are not totally consistent about it, your son will pick up on that and use it to resist even harder. Remember: At 18, you can no longer make him do anything, much less get any therapy. [/quote]

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