Reply to How did you grow up and live with a unstable, insecure, mean sibling?

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[quote=Anonymous]My sister, like many of the individuals described above, has some sort of personality disorder. She has a lot of trouble maintaining stable relationships or jobs. For example, she's blown up long-time friendships over bizarre issues (when she was married, two of her friends went on a date and she exploded -- disavowed them both, etc. it was crazy... she obviously jealous, but she was married at the time. I mean, you can't do that!). My parents pitted us against each other a lot as kids, made us both feel like I could never have anything that she also didn't have, and enabled her bad behavior by infantilizing her and maintaining co-dependent relationships. She consistently let me down and could never show any empathy toward me. I was sexually assaulted and she told me it was my fault and years after, would make rape jokes when I would see her.

I got to a point where I knew that I could never trust her or rely on her, but I still tried to have a relationship. What finally did it was that she demanded insane things when I was planning my wedding (after my husband and I got engaged, we planned for our moms to meet for the first time and she demanded to join the meeting...even though none of my husband's siblings were joining and she lived in a different state), told my parents crazy lies, and invited a lot of triangulation that my crazy parents were so happy to partake in. About seven months before the wedding she started texting me that she wasn't coming and then would randomly change her mind and say she was... and then would change her mind back (the texts about how she wasn't coming were motivated by issues happening in her life... something bad would happen and she would text me "I can't come to your wedding" with no explanation). Despite all of this, I tried reaching out to her multiple times to reset and just ask that she be happy for me. She would write back really hateful stuff. Finally, I blocked her on my phone. I just couldn't take all of the abuse. Two weeks before the wedding I told my mom that my sister had to decide if she was going to come (at that point we weren't speaking) and that I didn't want to not know if my sister was coming to my wedding on my wedding day (also, the wedding was being held in a state that my sister would have to fly to -- she obviously needed to have some idea of whether she wanted to attend two weeks beforehand). My mom nonchalantly said she didn't want to attend and she didn't. I haven't spoken with her since. I got married, had three kids, moved, bought a house, and changed jobs twice. I miss the idea of having a sister, but I don't miss her crazy, abusive, emotionally draining behavior. I feel bad for her and I hope that she is doing well as I do really want the best for her. I pray that she can find peace and happiness, but I know that I cannot be a part of her life until she is able to take accountability for her actions. And so be it if that never happens. I spent far too much of my life accepting her abuse because I felt like that was my duty as my sister - that I owed her everything and she owed me nothing.

Our relationship has not impacted my relationship with my children in a discernible way. I was initially scared that somehow I'd recreate the screwed up scenario my parents did, because it was what I knew. But that hasn't and won't happen. I'm way too self-aware and I know how damaging that dynamic can be from my own experience (why would you ever do that to your kids?). My husband and I have created a stable, functional, loving home for our children -- unlike my own parents. Breaking the cycle like that is the best that I can do to address the situation with my sister -- to make sure that this dysfunctional behavior does not continue in my family.[/quote]

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