Reply to I’m married and I have developed feelings for a friend

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here, we have never hung out one on one, only in group situations but a few times have had side conversations that were one on one. We have not seen one another for months, just some group zoom calls and group texts.

I have told DH a couple times last year — when I knew this person but did not have feelings for him — that I thought we had lost some emotional connection. I suggested therapy a couple different times and DH does not want to go to therapy. He said he thinks we just have “different interests” and schedules that that’s okay.

I said I needed us to have more connection even just at home, sit together, watch tv, read, eat together, no need to even go out given his fitness stuff etc, but his routine (and mindset) is rigid. You would think quarantine would’ve helped us have more time together but for example, he goes to bed early and I go to bed very late because I am always catching up on work.

I have had daydreams/thoughts of being in therapy with DH and having DH say he had an affair, and it didn’t even feel sad to me. 10 months ago and before then that thought would have made me tear up and feel anxious and imagine how devaststated I would have been.

I guess I am confused whether I have these feelings because I’m trying to fill the DH void and still want to be with DH, or if I have really fallen out of love with DH. It feels kind of like after losing that connection, and trying to repair it but getting rejected/no therapy, I resigned myself to being in a relationship without that, or we went about our life without me realizing I see DH more as a friend without that emotional loving connecting. Then seeing this other person in a certain way makes me feel that I am missing something important in my relationship with DH that I deserve, and my heart is doubling down on that.

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Of course he is not responsive because you are approaching it like he's the problem and it's all his fault and he's the only one that needs to make any effort and change.  That doesn't work.
Therapy is great, but it's not the only way to right the ship, it's especially not the tool for you to blae your husband for everything wrong.

You say you want change, but seem to want him to do all the changing.

You want to go together, go to bed when he does.

You want to watch TV together, sit down and watch the show,  so long as watch a show doesn't code for I'm going to turn it into a test to see if he'll hold my hand and make out with me.

Go to therapy yourself, you need it.

And as has been said many times to you, stop   being around this man and zoom or otherwise. 
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