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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have 2 lgbt teens. I let them have sleepovers. It seems cruel to isolate them. I guess I agree with your DH. I’ve raised them with my values. They know my stance on topics related to drugs and sex. They’re good kids and follow rules in general, so I hope they’re respectful of these rules too.

The thing is, if they want to have sex, prohibiting sleepovers won’t prevent them.[b] If I know they have a specific boyfriend/girlfriend, we don’t allow one on one sleepovers, but we’d allow a slumber party/group party. That’s our compromise. [/quote][/b]

Do you allow one on one sleepovers with kids who are presumably just friends?  I wouldn't have such a problem with group sleepovers either, but that's not something that my daughter and her circle of friends are doing at her age. It's the one on one sleepovers with girls that up until recently, I would simply have assumed were platonic friends that I'm worried about  [/quote]

Yes. If you don’t allow sleepovers while you did before she came out, you’re basically punishing her for being open and honest with you. I know it’s more nuanced than that, but it won’t seem that way to a teenager. I feel like I’ve done a good job raising them and setting reasonable rules. Like I said, I don’t want them fooling around in my home, but it’s not like prohibiting sleepovers prohibits sexual exploration. A couple at my kid’s high school got suspended for giving/receiving oral sex in the elevator. Usually students aren’t allowed but he had broken his leg so he got an elevator pass, snuck his gf in and they were messing around instead of going to class. Where there’s a will, there’s a way. I’m not interested in putting my kids on lockdown to prohibit exploring their sexuality, and I see prohibiting sleepovers as an extension of that.

It’s fine if you disagree, but really consider the message you’re sending if you don’t allow overnights. Not just the no sex rule, because that’s a fine rule. Also consider how your teen will perceive it, whether it can close down communication with her, if she’ll feel like you’re trusting her and her decisions or if she’ll feel like you think she’s too slutty to have a friend who’s a girl without trying to get in her pants, if she’ll think others perceive her that way, if she should be hiding her sexuality or be ashamed of it, and how it’ll come across to your husband if you veto him instead of finding some kind of compromise. Compromises could include only having groups if its 1:1 that worries you (although we all know kids fool around in groups settings too), having them sleep in different rooms, having frequent check ins. You can also come up with a plan and consequences for what will happen if she breaks the rules.

Is she allowed to have her friends over to visit without sleeping over? Are they allowed in her bedroom? To be alone in other parts of the house? To be alone in a room with a closed door? If you answer yes, you’re giving them an opportunity to get physical. And in that case, I don’t really see the point of allowing some opportunities but not sleepovers. It seems like an arbitrary rule in that case, and I try hard not to make arbitrary rules that my family doesn’t like, especially when there are negative social effects that stem from those rules.

I also try really hard not to be perceived as punishing them for being honest with me. If you found out your kid had gone to a party and had been drinking once or twice, but they told you without prompting and said they don’t want to participate in that anymore, would you prohibit all parties from there on out? Your kid would be so isolated. Would you punish them for being honest? Or would you discuss the situation and help them figure out a way to deal with it and minimize temptation, but still be able to carry on with a normal social life? Not that sex and drinking are the same thing, but I can’t think of a better parallel. And I certainly don’t have all the answers. This is just the kind of stuff I think about and discuss with DH before we make rules. You might consider the same things and come to different conclusions. [/quote]

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