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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]1) [b]Even hoarders deserve to get out of the house and have joy[/b]

2) Hiw many hours per day do you spend trying to fix the mess?  How many hours per weekend?  What is reasonable?  Set a reasonable goal.  Tell your husband, “I will work on the house for X hours on Saturdays.  But on Sundays, j get time to relax.”

3) Have you gotten treatment for the hoarding?

4) What does your DH do for the family other than WOG?

5) Can you spend money to work with a hoarding helper to begin to clear the ness?

My mother was a hoarder and lie was hell.  I struggle with hoarding tendencies but mostly keep the house presentable, with junk in drawers.  [b]But I could not cope without a housekeeper every two weeks.  It’s a huge part of our budget but necessary for the wellness of the family.  I am not lazy but I am not good at housekeeping and there is only so much I can focus on.  Keeping clutter down is as good as I can do.  We outsource a deep cleaning twice a month.[/b]

You essentially have a disability around housekeeping.  It’s not laziness.  It’s your brain.  Your husband is an asshole to turn it into a character issue.  Instead, his poor character is showing.  He’s inflexible, stubborn, unhelpful, insensitive, unloving, and controlling.

[b]Your kids deserve a clean house.[/b]  You need to work in it.  You deserve help.  And you should probably DtMFA.[/quote]

+1
+1

OP here:  Thanks for your very kind and thoughtful response.  It sounds the most realistic to me.  I feel like many things you noted ring true.   :thumbup:

My mom was a hoarder at the next level.  She had long-expired baking mix, reeking bathrooms that you shouldn’t go into, chippedand mismatched plates and cutlery, packed fridge of mystery, non-functional luggage from 1965, etc.  She was ashamed and wouldn’t let us have friends over.  It was hellish too, so I would go over and chuck her stuff out periodically.

I thought I was actually doing well because nothing was gross in my house. The house can be presentable with notice, so kiddos do have friends over.  I captained a LEGO league team for several years and I did clean up twice weekly for the meetings. One solution that I proposed for DH and me was to have more visitors and parties and thereby have a reason to clean.  I guess DH wants his discomfiture to be a reason itself.  The clutter comprises kids toys, too many clothes, clean laundry, boxes presents, warehouse-store bulk supplies, a basement of boxed or binned items by category (shoes, kitchen, decor, painting canvases), etc., but the toys are underfoot and you can’t always sit on the sofa.  I’m beginning to understand it’s stressful too.

Yes, many of the DH qualities you cite is definitely true regarding this issue.  DH (not me) wants the divorce if I can’t clean up.  I wasn’t clear in my first post.  All solutions point to my moving forward by cleaning up the house.  Others noted that DH might be stressed over the hoarder mess.  I don’t have time or money for therapy and also prefer to stay together as a family.  I think I can prioritize the cleaning service—at least I can when employment returns to normal.  Do you have any contacts, or would you share how you setup your regime?

General thank you also to everyone who shared a helpful perspective.  You’ve given me something to think about that the mess affects DH differently from me.   [/quote]

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