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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Definition of “forgive” - stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

definition of “trust” - firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something.

Forgiveness is entirely within the victim’s control - you control your feelings and you control how and why you may choose to forgive.  Several years after the cheating, I had not forgiven my then DH because the cheating derailed my life and I was rightfully angry about that and he appeared to have little remorse or understanding except as far as his cheating had hurt him.  10 years later, I have forgiven him in the sense that I don’t feel angry or resentful about the cheating.  I think he did a terrible thing that had a devastating impact on us all, but I don’t feel much of anything anymore when I think about it.

I did not trust him after the cheating and I do not trust him 10 years later.  Trust is often initially extended in relationships, but once trust is broken it can only be earned back. The question isn’t whether I would trust my DH again, the question is would he be able to do the things necessary to earn the trust back.  In our situation that was - see psychiatrist and therapist regularly and take meds, stop drinking, be transparent about whereabouts and social media/email, demonstrate some understanding of the factors that drove the cheating and work to rectify them, build a track record over time of commitent to truth and to working out conflict explocitly and verbally and cut off contact with affair partners and not re-offend.

Unfortunately, he wasn’t able to consistently engage in behaviors that would earn my trust and, in fact, continued to engage in behaviors that build mistrust.  This is true even to this day, although we have been split up for many years.

We women are trained by the culture to put aside those instincts that tell us not to trust.  We are expected to extend trust despite our misgivings.  This has the effects of keeping us in situations that are unsafe and unhealthy for ourselves.

Do not feel pressure to extend trust where it has not been earned.  Your highest duty is to yourself - to keep yourself safe.  [/quote]

+1.  My DW cheated on me repeatedly-  slightly different situation as it was with another woman.  My experience was the same in terms of the inability to do anything to regain trust etc. [/quote]

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