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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. I just learned my mother took them to this wedding anyways against my wishes. I am beside myself. She claims it was only to drop off a card and then leave, but that feels beside the point. [/quote]

NP: I'm sorry, and that sucks, but why was your mom watching your kids if you don't trust her?  I don't trust my mom not to do certain things, so I don't let her watch the kids unless in very, very limited circumstances.

It blows not to be able to trust your parents to care for your children.  Totally.  But it is what it is.  You can't accept free childcare and then expect to get your way with everything, especially not in a dysfunctional family.  It just doesn't work that way.  It's a grieving process to realize that (or has been for me), but I feel so much better with this clarity.[/quote]

Thank you for your advice. I’ve had a complicated relationship with my mother since I was a child. She comes from a very large and dysfuntional family. While I was never directly subject to abuse from her relatives, I’ve witness her family member physically fighting and abusing their children along with a lot of vulgar and preverted talk that young kids shouldn’t hear. Although I have never been molested my extended family was aware that an older cousin was molesting younger cousins and basically looked the other way until one decided to file charges unsuccessfully after the statute of limitations. Sometimes my aunts and uncles would tease me about my appreance I cried as a child and my mother did nothing. Other times I’ve witness relatives abuse drugs and one aunt after she was stabbed when I was in elementary school. Logic would tell me that a parent would no longer bring their child around these environments but she continiued and my father did object..  She knows how I feel and it look me moving on a different coast for two decades to let go of some of my resentment. Since my kids were born, both of my parents have been exceptional grandparents. My kids adore them more than anyone. My only request in order to protect my kids is that they not be around my mothers extended family. Today I found out via social media, not my mom that they were by my family. To make matters worse my parents are blaming me for being so angry and accused me of raising them in an classist bubnle( my husband and I are very wealthy and my mom’s family is not). I feel like I’ve been gaslighted about the whole issue. [/quote]

I'm so sorry, OP.  Your mom's family sounds a lot like my in-laws.  Thankfully they're not local so we don't have to deal with these issues.  My family of origin is local and we have other issues with them, such that I no longer trust my parents to watch my kids for any extended period of time.  (And we found out that they allowed my sister, who has multiple psychiatric diseases and is recently relapsed to drinking alcohol, to take all three of our young kids to the park solo only because the oldest told us after the fact.  That did it for me.)

It sounds like the really awful thing is them disobeying your wishes after the detente of them being loving grandparents.  It's awful to realize you can't trust your parents.  They may have been gaslighting you, or they may truly not get what the big deal is and lashing out is a way to express general anger/shame at the wreck of your mom's family.  There's no logic here, or so I've learned with my family.  People act on emotion and trying to protect some part of themselves, and that overshadows reason.

If you haven't been in therapy, I've found it very helpful.  Other than that, setting firm boundaries (and enforcing them over and over when family tries to cross them) and finding the people you do want as your family help.  But it's also very hard, and lonely, to realize that this is who your family of origin is.  It's a grieving process and while time helps, not always linear.  For now, take good care of you.  I'm sorry this happened.[/quote]

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