Reply to women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]i tried unsuccessfully to get DH to do some of these tasks, i tried to be hands off and not micromanage him, but what ended up happening was that he did not take care of any of the camp forms for the summer and we lost our spot in one of the camps. Some bills went unpaid, doctors appointments missed, homework and projects not completed. I ended up realizing that he is not going to be an equal partner in this regard, so I shifted more kid related tasks to him,  like putting them to bed, driving them to school. I also started doing more things that relax me to de-stress. Yoga daily, massage weekly, etc [/quote]

I think this is a good plan and it's what I do with my husband - don't expect him to do anything that requires planning or research because he will forget. Instead, write down all of the tasks that are done (including school forms, summer camp planning, etc.), and show him the list with his name beside half of the tasks. These tasks will be the ones that he CAN'T forget because they're physical and must be done. For instance, I buy all family birthday gifts, my husband unloads the dishwasher. I interface with our nanny and remember to pay her, my husband gets the toddler out of the crib and changes her diaper each morning.

My experience with my husband has been that he doesn't think a lot of the social/emotional work that I do is valuable - he views it more like a hobby. As if I like to research camps or buy birthday gifts for his parents. So it's been an uphill battle to get him to remember to do any of these tasks. It's as if he waxed the car every weekend, and thought that was really important, and then was upset when I didn't do it. You can't make someone want to perform tasks that they see little value in.

Counseling has also helped us have a safe space to discuss these issues. It's a lot less heated to save up my grievances and discuss them twice a month with our marriage counselor, rather than unload on him in the moment.

Remember that we're just one-two generations into this whole working mom thing, and it's a learning curve for everyone. Good luck to you.[/quote]

Hi, I'm the OP...thanks for these ideas. You're right - we're still figuring out this two-working parents thing, and really there is a third full-time job of running the home front.

I like the idea of making a list of all the tasks and putting my name besides all that I do so he understands. I'm not going to talk about the concept of emotional labor but I think if he sees a list and all that I do, he would be willing to take on more.

Even so...my DH is good with the physical tasks such as mowing the lawn and unloading the dishwasher, but I am overwhelmed with all the planning tasks. My job involves complicated planning and managing, which is challenging for me, so I'd prefer taking on the physical tasks at home, which I would find relaxing.

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PP who wrote the post that you quoted here. If you want to do more physical tasks, I would take the task list, each pick tasks from it, and you pick the tasks that you truly want to do (rather than picking the tasks that you know he'd forget). Then you have to be able to let him take on some of the planning tasks, and see what happens. He may forget and the kids won't get into camp or have their doctor appt. scheduled. Try to make him suffer the natural consequences of that - now someone has to find some other activity for the kids during the summer, now the kids can't go to school because they're not up to date on their shots, etc. So he has to take off work to fix it.

This is where it breaks down for me and I normally bail him out. But if you have the stomach for it, make the list, pick the tasks that you want, and ignore whatever doesn't get done. When I've read other advice about this, it's always said that you need to start holding your nose and letting some things slide. Easier said than done, for sure!

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