Reply to women's invisible labor - anyone had luck getting spouse to take on more of the mental work?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]i tried unsuccessfully to get DH to do some of these tasks, i tried to be hands off and not micromanage him, but what ended up happening was that he did not take care of any of the camp forms for the summer and we lost our spot in one of the camps. Some bills went unpaid, doctors appointments missed, homework and projects not completed. I ended up realizing that he is not going to be an equal partner in this regard, so I shifted more kid related tasks to him,  like putting them to bed, driving them to school. I also started doing more things that relax me to de-stress. Yoga daily, massage weekly, etc [/quote]

I think this is a good plan and it's what I do with my husband - don't expect him to do anything that requires planning or research because he will forget. Instead, write down all of the tasks that are done (including school forms, summer camp planning, etc.), and show him the list with his name beside half of the tasks. These tasks will be the ones that he CAN'T forget because they're physical and must be done. For instance, I buy all family birthday gifts, my husband unloads the dishwasher. I interface with our nanny and remember to pay her, my husband gets the toddler out of the crib and changes her diaper each morning.

My experience with my husband has been that he doesn't think a lot of the social/emotional work that I do is valuable - he views it more like a hobby. As if I like to research camps or buy birthday gifts for his parents. So it's been an uphill battle to get him to remember to do any of these tasks. It's as if he waxed the car every weekend, and thought that was really important, and then was upset when I didn't do it. You can't make someone want to perform tasks that they see little value in.

Counseling has also helped us have a safe space to discuss these issues. It's a lot less heated to save up my grievances and discuss them twice a month with our marriage counselor, rather than unload on him in the moment.

Remember that we're just one-two generations into this whole working mom thing, and it's a learning curve for everyone. Good luck to you.[/quote]

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