Reply to How did you deal with your DS or DD during parental alienation?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP again.  I'm not trying to equate the "stuff" and "money" with parenting.  I'm really not.  I am (I hope) very involved and active in her life.

I'm also not trying to "manipulate" her.

I'm trying to discern the best course of action that makes her realize - eventually, maybe - that her actions and decisions have consequences; that she should begin to have some responsibility.

Incidentally she's also pissed I took her phone away (she broke her ironclad, repeat promise to give me the unlock code) and that I won't let her see a friend who is a terrible influence.  Guess who lets her use a phone and guess who lets her see her friend?  :([/quote]

I'm confused. I thought mom wasn't letting her see you? But you're very involved? Could you clarify what the problem is? It might help with advice. What is DD deciding that is causing problems? Is she asking to stay at moms when it's your turn? How far apart do you and mom live?

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We were 50/50 until just a few days ago.  DD just emailed me saying my house was contributing to her emotional issues and she wanted to stay with mom for a while.  We live about a mile apart.

The absurdity is that her mother is too stupid to disguise the fact she wrote the email and signed it in a manner totally different than DD, so I know ex's bitter hand is all over this.   [/quote]

OK, I see. Thanks for the clarification. In your shoes, I think I'd give a little while seeking family counseling. So I'd respond that you're so sorry to hear that she feels that way, and let's work out an arrangement she'd be happier with. For me, I'd be willing to let her off the hook for overnights at this age but not give up visitation altogether. Would you be OK with 2 weekday afternoons/dinners and one weekend day a week? And start family counseling with her on one of the afternoons that you have her.

Does anyone else live at your house? Her email was phrased oddly, even if written by your ex. She didn't say seeing you was a problem, but that your house was. If there's someone at your house (GF, wife, stepkids) that changes things too.

Finally, remember that she's just 14. Yes, she is to some extent an independent actor, but she's also very young. 12-16 is a really, really tough age for most girls. When in doubt, err on the side of understanding.
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