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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP - this EXACT thing happened to me in college. I was in a crappy abusive relationship. It was not hitting or violent, but very emotionally abusive. Refused to hang out with my friends or family.  Told me i was stupid (i wasn't - i was at a top school).  Broke up with me constantly, and then came back.  Told me my friends were losers.  But that he was so in love with me.  Pretty standard emotional abuse.

Several times during our breakups, he had brief relationships with other women.  One was another woman in our small group of friends.  He told me i needed to get over it, and the problem was ME. That they were now together.

Soon thereafter, A friend/acquitence of mine invited us both to a small party . He would not have been invited but for me, but he really wanted to go.  He announces he is bringing this new girlfriend (our mutual friend) even though it is MY friend.

In a heated argument about how absurb it was he wanted to bring her (we were always arguing/crying/talking about heated things - never physical or frightening) and i was a wreck and crying, i effectively collapsed into his arms with my fists on his chest. yes, i was frustrated - it wasn't a love tap. But he was 6 feet and i was 5'4 and i did not intend to any way hurt or bring pain. You can all imagine exactly what that looked like.  It was a frustrated arms collapsing into his chest.

The next day he announced i had "assaulted" him and he was so traumatized by it.  He wanted to report me to the police. He was considering therapy.  He acknowledged that it didn't remotely hurt him, but that because i was smaller, the mere act itself was me trying to shift the power balance  -- or some other absurd argument.  He however said he would not report me if i simply agreed to continue to be friends with him and get over the other friend being his girlfriend. He also said he wanted us to keep having sex. Which we did - against my wants -- but because i was so scared of his accusations of assault.

It has been TWENTY years and this story still brings me to tears.  What a terrible, terrible person.  I'm sorry OP, i don't have any advice other than  to get out.  [/quote]

I am so sorry PP!  That sounds like an awful experience.  [/quote]

Yeah, it was bad. And so difficult because i couldn't deal with it because he effectively had me trapped. I was the one being accused of "assault" by him.  And i really did "hit" him. And he wasn't letting me go.  It was horrible for about 3-4 months.  Then he left for a semester abroad -- and was still blackmailing me into having sex up until he left.  Then he left, and it was like a cloud disappeared from above me.  It turns out that, absent him, i was a healthy, happy functioning person.  I had a wonderful semester of dating, friends, etc etc, and then i met my husband 6 months later.  Our marriage has been, since day 1, the most functional, communicative, happy, healthy marriage.  He's the best.  Our marriage is the best - 17 years later!  Meanwhile, my ex married that horrible mutual friend of ours who participate in the whole thing (whom he cheated on for the first 3-4 months of their relationship).  I take comfort all these years later in knowing that he's still in a  dysfunctional relationship (one that was built on lies and cheating can't ever really be functional) and i immediately entered a functional relationship. That tells me that despite how much he tried to tell me that *I* was the messed up abuser, he is the screwed up one.  [/quote]

Do you read what you wrote?  You are abusive.  [/quote]

I'm the OP and I'm confused by this claim that PP is abusive, especially since her story somewhat resembles mine (I mean, the crying into arms and hitting chest).

I'm not saying media portrayals make things right, but it's such a common thing to see in old time movies - a tiny petite woman (like me) crying in the arms of her big strong hubby (DH) and making pounding movements on the chest.  And he wraps his arms around her and contains her.  This is not hitting to me.  This is not in any way comparable to a large man SMASHING a lamp next to a small woman, and watching that woman run for cover, and not stopping but proceeding to break the next object in his way.  How is what the woman did in that case abuse?

Also, I DID push my DH once when I was postpartum and sleep exhausted.  He didn't budge.  I regret it, I apologized.  It sucked.  But abuse is a pattern of behavior.

I'm trying to remember other things I've done (since, hey, this is an anonymous forum) to see how terrible they were.  I can only remember these things because he's brought them up to me in the last year.  He once asked me how I felt (when I was angry) and I said very calmly, "I feel like punching you!"  Now he brings that up as if I'm violent.  But was my saying that violent?  When I literally have never thrown a punch in my life?  And I said it calmly?  And I said "I feel like"?  Are these things really comparable to actually breaking things, hitting walls, asking if I want to fight him, etc?

Anyway, the worst part is I actually cringe when I write that HE is abusive because I mostly don't think he is abusive.  I think he's just depressed and sick and has anger issues.  Abuse is such a strong word.  It's hard that he used it so readily on me when I hesitate to use it on him.[/quote]

You are just as abusive as you claim he is.  Try therapy.  [/quote]

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