Reply to Do narcissists ever know they are narcissists? Can they change?

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Reply to "Do narcissists ever know they are narcissists? Can they change?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I could've written this post.  My DH is very similar to how you've described yours.  I don't believe my DH has NPD.  However, his mother does, and his brother also became a full-blown classic narcissist. Growing up in a narcissistic family impacts a person in very specific ways. It made my DH very guarded with his emotions, even with me, because his feelings were (and are) routinely dismissed by his family. If he expressed any feelings or opinions that were contrary to what his mother wanted, or which called her out for her own behavior, she made him pay for it.  She is not truly interested in him as a person; she only cares that her family projects an image that flatters her and reinforces her high opinion of herself as a mother and person. Same goes for his brother. My DH also had no idea how to manage conflict because there IS no managing conflict in a narcissistic family. My DH can often come across as cold and uncaring, especially if we are arguing, because being vulnerable goes against every wall of protection he's had to build around himself while growing up.  And it's not easy for him to look at his own behavior or his role in a situation because his family never did that. It was all about deflecting and blaming others.

Things have gotten much better over time. We did counseling - as a couple and individually. I think it helped both of us understand what we were bringing into the marriage and how our families of origin play a role in the patterns we are creating within our relationship.  For DH, it also helped him understand how to work through conflict and feelings.  What continues to work for us is using "I" statements rather than making it about what the other person said or did. That helps my DH understand see how his behavior affects me without feeling like I'm attacking or criticizing him for it.

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Thank you so much for this. This sounds very much like my MIL who does very similar things and very much like his conflict avoidance with her even in situations when having a conversation/stating his opinion would normally be warranted. There are certainly similar patterns with his family and I recognize, like you said (even if it isn't NPD), there are often reasons people develop in a certain way.

I'm encouraged by your response and the improvements you've seen. Thanks again.

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