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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]The answer depends on whether you want her at the confirmation.  When I have a family event and want someone to show up, I contact them before setting the date.  For example, I check with my in laws, parents, and husband's brothers when picking a birthday party date.  I also checked with close family when setting a wedding date and I honestly don't even know why they had certain date preferences, but it was no skin off my back to pick a mutually convenient date.  But I want these family members at these events, so I check first.  If you don't care if she's there, don't bother to check, but not checking does signal a lack of concern re: whether she comes for better or worse.  No value judgment here - if it's not important that she show up, don't worry about it.

But if it is important that she be there, it's odd not to check.  High school reunions happen very occasionally and some people are really into them.  I guess I'm not understanding why you're upset that she is conflicted - is she just annoying about it?  I'm Jewish so I don't know how you schedule confirmation dates, but my brother asked me for good dates for me when his daughter had a bat mitzvah, and that seemed reasonable.

Anyway, it sounds like you just don't like her or her kids, and this isn't really the big issue.[/quote]

Yes, she is annoying about it.  She keeps on mentioning how she has to miss it.  We did not have a choice with dates - the church sets it, not us.  I had checked to see about her kids' school schedule just so we would know in advance.

We have a better relationship than what we had years ago. DH appreciates that I've hung in there given that there were some pretty bad years with her.  Love the kids.  I don't like that they show up and sit on their phones and their parents fail to remind them to spend a bit time with their cousins as they see them so infrequently.  Their youngest is only 2 1/2 years older than our oldest yet the parents act as if it is a generation.

When the get togethers are informal, I love seeing them.  Whenever it involves something that is important to us (but is no longer important to them as their kids are older and through the phase), then it gets tense.[/quote]

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