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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. SIL makes a HUGE deal that we must attend her family events. Everything is a ten on a scale of one to ten. And we've done so, even when inconvenient.  We have been a lot more flex on our stuff, but kids are asking that their only aunt and uncle and cousins be there for the confirmation.  Both sets of g'parents coming in, etc.  There are not regularly schedule family events and this would be the one for the year.

O[b]n the cousin front, DH overheard our DCs complaining about cousins and the one-way interactions. They noticed less when they were younger, but now as teens, they more clearly see what's going on, that they are expected to entertain and hang out with DCs younger than them but their cousins don't have to do that with them. On the wedding front, DH caved to his sister's request, but would probably not do so now (no, it was not a surgery, wedding, or graduation).[/b]  [/quote]

Are you sure they aren't just sensing your frustration and/or overhearing your comments?  My mother was a lot like you with our aunts and their kids.  My sister and I picked up on it.  It took years for me to figure out that my mother was the problem -- not my cousins.  My mother drove a lot of the "well, we went to X event, but they can make the time to come to Y for us" talk.  I'm sure she'll swear up and down that she didn't complain in front of her kids, but it was the snide comments.

You can't control other people.  If you let other people control you, that's your problem -- not theirs.  The answer here isn't to guilt her into attending your events because she guilted you into attending hers and/or changing yours in the past.  The answer is to stop scheduling around her but ALSO don't get bent out of shape if she can't attend.

Don't use your kids as an excuse.  I've seen people do this.  "The kids will be SO disappointed" when in reality the kids will be mildly disappointed but get over it pretty quickly.  If it's really the kids you are worried about, then arrange for a confirmation dinner with Auntie and family for the following weekend.

As for rescheduling the wedding, your ire shouldn't be directed at your SIL.  It should be directed at your husband for not setting boundaries then and there.   But stop the cycle now.

I also agree with other PPs that you are too enmeshed.  No, it isn't love -- obviously.  As you both have all of this resentment and guilt game-playing going on.  If it were truly love that enmeshed you, you wouldn't be so resentful.

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