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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here. We're in our early twenties. Not thirties[/quote]

New poster here. If you're both in early 20s then it's not you, OP,  posting above about the relationship where the sisters were a decade apart in age. Some PPs are responding as if that is you, the OP, but it seems to be someone else. Is that right?

Anyway, OP, you are doing the right thing. Do it -- apologize and say you want to start working on a better relationship, and you know it will be slow, and you don't expect her to jump for joy and be your BFF instantly.

OP, say to her what you said to us in the original post. You have your starting words right there. Tell her that you know you treated her very badly and take responsibility for that.If your parents were a reason for the dysfunction, well, don't bring that up; it may be an explanation for your behavior but it's not an excuse. She will hear anything like "But mom and dad made us both feel..." as you making excuses. I can tell you don't want to make excuses, which is to your great credit. Never let the word "but" enter your apology because that's a signal that the person apologizing is about to make an excuse.

Tell her when it's just the two of you. I agree with the PP who mentioned seeing her alone just to make this apology. You don't need to do this on the side at a holiday gathering or at your parents' house over Christmas, or at auntie's New Year's party; that would be too fraught with holiday emotions and people possibly interrupting.

I'd invite her somewhere neutral -- not your own home, not hers, someplace where she can walk away if she gets upset and for an outing that has a definite ending time, like going out for coffee. And script out, even on paper, what you want to say. Don't read it to her but do figure out in advance what you'll say, and then be quiet! Listen to her. If she pours out anger, be ready for that and ready to respond with only things like "I understand. I see how you feel that way and I recognize that I was a shit to you and I am sorry."

She may fly off into details of the time you did X or said Y, but don't, yourself, get into details in return. If she brings up the time long ago when you did X or said Y, let her vent it, but don't respond with "I know I was crappy when I did X and I'm sorry but that week my boyfriend dumped me/I had a horrible exam/I was angry at mom and dad, not really at you...." Just don't go there even if your gut wants to do it. It's defensive and you need to just restrain that impulse and let her own her anger at you, if that's where this goes.

You have to be calm but also let her see you're sincere and able to take it if she needs to vent about the old you. Ask her at the end if she's willing to just spend a little time with you, after the holidays are over, to find out what you both still have in common. As adults you might find that you have some common interests that can help you get to know each other AS adults, and not as the teens you once were. You're ready to move on and I hope she can move on too, but she does get to vent her emotions if you apologize.

You can do this, OP. It's the adult, mature thing to do, and I hope you come back on this thread and tell us how it went. [/quote]

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